She was abandoned at Nine. Now Frank Calls Her Mom.
1:33:54Leilana Palacios was nine when her family left her alone in an empty house. She spent the next three decades in foster homes, county jail, and prison. Today she’s 23 years sober, and Frank calls her Mom.
Frank sits down with Leilana, one of the people who never gave up on him, to talk about being born a twin in the bathroom of a bar on Maui, growing up in the system as “the throwaway child,” and the phone call to prison when her daughter told her, “Why don’t you just come home and be grandma? Because we all know it’s way too late for you to come home and be mom.”
Months before her release, she sat up all night with an ounce of meth, then gave it away. The next morning, August 6, 2003, became her sobriety date.
If you’re struggling in silence, Leilana’s message is simple: there is help, and you’re not alone. Reach out.
From Pennsylvania to California with one goal.
Frank sits down with Harold Greenawald to hear his story of recovery and where it led him.
Hey everyone, welcome back to the Scars and All podcast. As always, I'm Frank Wills, your host, and today we're in for a really big treat. Um, somebody that I've known for the better part of two decades who holds a really special place in my heart. Um I've been anxious and ready to interview this individual because she has an amazing story. Um she's played a huge role in my journey in recovery, and she's helped a lot of people throughout her years in recovery, and um she's she's a real treat.
Um she's actually been like a mother figure to me. As a matter of fact, I call her mom, but her name is Leilana, and let's welcome her to the podcast. Hey mom.
Hi, son.
How are you?
I'm good. How are you?
This is your first podcast. I understand.
Yeah, this is my first podcast.
Interesting because you have such an amazing story to tell, and now you're gonna be able to tell it to a lot of people just uh at one time as opposed to you know just meetings and meetings and meetings.
Yeah.
Yeah. So tell me a little bit about yourself or tell us a little bit about yourself. I know a lot about you, you know a lot about me, but our listeners don't.
So I'm 23 years plus, clean and sober. Amazing. Um, and it's simply because I got sick and tired of being sick and tired, you know. Um, and I recall, you know, I came here from the islands in 1969 when I was five years old.
Which islands specifically?
Hawaiian Islands, okay. Because there's a lot of islands out there. Yeah, yeah.
So I was born on Maui. I think Jamaica's an island. Yeah. There's islands in the Philippines. Yeah.
This is all true. Um, and uh in 1969 was my first resentment.
1969.
Yeah.
That's a powerful resentment. You can go back that long.
Well, you know what? I discovered that uh through taking the steps. Okay, you know, of my recovery journey. And I didn't realize that it went back that far. Right. I was like, oh. But um, you know, through that I was able to grow. Wait, what year were you born? 1964. So you were five. I was five. First resentment. First resentment. Out the gate. Out the gate. Not playing.
I was seriously pissed. Right. Okay. Um, because I was forced to leave the islands, you know, and my grandmother, my nana, I now know that she didn't want to send me with my biological parents, but she had no choice in the matter. Right. See, I went home from the hospital with her.
Okay.
Um why was that? Because so I I'm a tw I was a twin. I was born a twin, and in 1969 in in the Hawaiian Islands, a lot of times, you know, if a woman had like a lot of kids, and which my parents did, when twins come into the picture, you know, it's a lot of work, you know. And I come from the era of cloth diapers.
Okay.
With the safety pin. With the safety pins. With the cartoons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a real thing.
That was a real thing. My Nana stepped in and said, you know, I'll take firstborn. Their idea is that the firstborn is definitely going to be a handful.
I can just imagine that, like, okay, I got dibs on whoever comes out first. Well whoever comes out first, she's mine.
Um that's funny. And they didn't know then what they know now.
Okay.
Uh, we were born um high.
Okay.
Under the influence. My biological mother was an was an addict. Okay. Or is an addict. Um, and uh her DO her DOC was meth, um, cocaine, any stimulant and heroin. The real hard stuff, like the real, real.
Yeah, heroin was super prevalent in the 60s. Yeah. Big time.
Yeah. It was it was the real deal back then. Um and for her birthday, she decided to party.
Okay.
March 12th, 1964. And she decided to, you know, to party, and she went to um from the story is she went to the bar, got the connect, and she was pregnant. With twins. With twins. And slammed an issue, and ta-da! We were born in the bathroom of the bar.
No way.
Yeah. Um, on her birthday, which is our birthday as well.
Um well, at least she was considerate with that, you know. She she she was just trying to share her birthday with you guys.
Right? Of course, we came out screaming, you know, and from what I was told. And um my uncle said that apparently I had the louder voice, which checks out.
Totally. I agree. I wasn't even there, but I can totally see. Yeah.
So, but yeah, you know, and um, so I went home with my grandmother. My Nana was she was the pillar of our family. Right. You know, very strong woman.
Matriarch type.
The mate the total matriarch.
Um They don't make those types of women anymore, you know, no offense. But no, seriously. Men and women, both like those types of women are yeah, exactly.
You know, what my what my nana said went, it was law. Yeah, you know, and anybody to question it had, you know, had to have the guts or the courage or the balls to stand up to my grandfather. And um I don't really recall him speaking too much. I vaguely remember his voice. And it's kind of a trip because sometimes when I hear myself talk, I I feel like, God, that sounded like I sounded like my nana for a second.
Anyways, um, yeah, so five years old.
Five years old You're forced to come over here to California, right? Against your will.
Correct. What was the reasoning behind it? Um my biological father um was I'm just gonna say it, he was a pedo. And um it came out and we he was directed to he had forty-eight hours to leave the islands and all of his offspring as well. Wow. And either that or there would be consequences.
Um like from a tribal type of standpoint or the community it uh both.
It was primarily from um the community and elders and um right, because there's a whole political underground system over there that's has nothing to do with the United States government.
Correct. Yeah, absolutely.
And um, so yeah, so you know, me being one of his offspring, um I had to go as well. But um, so when we were three, my twin and I, my twin passed away. And um, and so when I came, like I didn't really know my siblings um so much. Like I didn't have that bond with them.
Um now were you the only one that went with your nana or and your twin went with your biological? Correct. Okay, so you were totally isolated from and then boom, five years old, instant.
Yeah, like they would come over, like my siblings would come over to my nana's house like on like Saturday. Okay, you know, and um uh little did I know that she, you know, she would cook for all of us, and it was always like she would make this fish soup. It was fire. And um, she would always put spices in it. I didn't realize that one of the spices that she was putting in it was paccalolo, which is weed.
Uh okay, feel good soup. You know, and after in now it all makes sense why afterwards we'd all be laid out just like chilling.
Chilling, the vibe is good.
Every pillow in the house was in the living room on the living room floor, which was in yeah Pacalolo. Yeah, okay, Pacalolo. And uh yeah, and I didn't I didn't realize that my grandmother, I thought she just rolled her cigarettes. Oh I didn't realize that it was she was chiefing. She was smoking weed. Nice, and um, but yeah, Maui, wowie. Yeah, I didn't even know that time.
I was like older. Yeah, you know, I was like 11 or 12 when I came to that conclusion. You know, it clicked.
Right, putting the pieces together.
Yeah, and I was like, oh shit. Yeah, no, no, I was smoking weed too, right on.
I remember that for me too, because I would always go with my parents to their friend's house and stuff because they were really young, you know. Um, my mom was 15 when she had me. So when I'm like seven, eight, she's only like twenty-two, you know what I mean? So when she's going with her friends, I'd always smell because they smoked cigarettes, yeah, but there were times where it didn't smell like cigarettes, it was like a different kind of cigarette, cigarette, but I didn't know what it was.
I'm like, oh, they just whatever, it's cigarettes, and then boom, when I'm like, you're the same, like 11, something like that. I'm like, those fuckers were fucking getting high the entire time. Every time. Who knew? Who knew? Then I started looking for their stats.
That's what happened to. I started to bond with my siblings, obviously, right? And our household was so, so um chaotic, yeah, you know, dysfunctional. You know, mom's getting high, biological father is a weirdo. A weirdo alcoholic, and none of us kids knew. Um and uh well, when we got here, I became his next toy at five years old. And I didn't I I didn't know, you know.
Of course.
How could you?
And um, yeah. And you know how long did that last? That lasted till I was nine. Wow. Yeah. But at seven years old, my sister and I um she tells me, hey, I I I I got something. And I was like, Oh, okay, because we were always like hanging out. Um, and then when we got here, they took us to fucking Bakersfield in 1969. Here I am, a little dark kid, blah, blah, blah, from the islands.
Which Bakersfield was like nothing back then, right?
Yeah, it was. Um, that was the first time I heard the N-word. Okay. Um, and I didn't know what it was. I didn't know what it meant. Right. So, um, but my sister, you know, she was like, Yeah, she's like, I got a joint from dad's pot box. And I always thought it was a hot box.
Okay.
That's what I heard. Yeah, yeah. Get the get the hot box. And I was like, Oh, they're gonna roll cigarettes, I guess, like Nana did. And um, so my sister, she stole the joint, and it was a Saturday, and um she goes, Come on. And so we took off. We climbed this tree to go smoke the joint, you know, because that's what we did all.
You're gonna be in a very high place when you get high. Yeah.
Well, we want we didn't want to be seen, yeah, yeah, and nobody looks up. Right. My sister was smart like that. And um, that's actually where we would go, and people watch climb trees. So we climbed a tree, we smoked that joint, and I remember loving the way it made me feel. Now, the sucky part about that is climbing down? No, she fucking climbed down and left me up there.
All high for the first time. All high, right? But I just stuck. No, I was totally stuck holding, hugging the fucking tree, right? And um, and I was like this, hugging the tree, and just like, and you know, finally, you know, the sun started going down, and I'm like, oh fuck. And I keep in mind, I've been in this tree all day. Okay, all fucking day. And I was like, fuck, how am I gonna get down?
And I was like, fuck it. I'm more afraid of the dark than I am from hurting myself, climbing out, you know, falling out of this tree. So yeah.
So you got down.
So I got down.
Okay, yeah.
I hurt myself, but it's all good.
Right. You know. Interesting. First high, first high up in a tree with your sister. Yeah, with my sister. And you loved it, and I loved it. Right. You know, I because already by this point, seven years old, I mean, you've been through some things.
Yeah.
Yeah. Now, did you know that what you were going through was wrong at this point?
No, I just knew that it hurt.
And then you didn't like it.
And I didn't like it.
Right.
And um when I would cry, he would just tell me to shut up that I'm already broken. Cause uh the first the the first time and the second time, like I resisted. Yeah. And he said if I didn't if I didn't do it that I was already broken, that he was gonna break one of my sisters. Wow. And that fucked me up.
Yeah, of course.
And he said I was already broken and I didn't want them to be broken like you. Yeah.
So that continued on until you're nine. And then what?
And um, so all this time, you know, eventually all my siblings started running away from home. And um, I came home and I was the last one because I was the baby. And I came home from school one day, and looking back now, the house and the condition of the house is something that we would consider a trap house.
Right.
Of course, front window broken, uh furniture that looked like it had been brought in from from the sidewalk or whatever from the street. Um dirty, no groceries, no food, um, nothing. Anyways, I came home from school at nine years old and nobody was there, and I was like, oh, okay, they're probably wherever they'll come home later. And it got dark, and I got a little nervous. So I gray I grabbed a crocheted blanket from the bed, and I went into the closet, took um cushions from the sofa, put it in a closet, and I closed the door, and that's where I went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning and and uh they were not there.
Interesting.
And I was like, yay!
Right, home alone.
It ends! Yeah, you know, um, and I was like, this is awesome. Yeah, you know, and I wasn't really scared. I was just glad I I was glad that another that a night had gone by and there was no torture. There was no um abuse abuse going on, no feeling more broken and more broken.
Yeah.
Two weeks went by, and yeah, of course, you know, I ate at school, made sure I got there on time.
So no one came home for two weeks?
Right.
Wow.
Well, no one found out for two weeks.
Okay.
And I was going to school, eating breakfast in the morning at school, stayed till lunch, and the lady, the cafeteria lady, she was so sweet, you know. Here I am, a dirty little kid. You know, you can tell.
You're probably not changing clothes very often or showering or I didn't have uh I didn't have a change of clothes. No.
They were at the bottom of a pile. And anyways, um, so I would I one time she saw me walk by someone's tray, and I grabbed um some French fries off of it that they had left it there. And I she saw that. Anyways, she called me and she told me, Come here, and she gave me extra. She goes, Are you hungry, sweetheart? And I was like, Yeah.
And she gave me food.
Right.
And she would always give me extra. And she was a sweetheart, and I remember her. She was the sweetest lady, she was like my angel.
Yeah.
So that being said, um, when the weekends came, it was like, oh shit, now how am I gonna eat? So I used to walk into Circle K and I would steal a case of candy bars. And my favorite candy bar back then was Heath.
Oh, so good. With the toffee and the chocolate.
And um until this day, Heath bars uh have a special place in my heart until um the the next the following Saturday, um I got caught stealing? Yes, from Circle Kane by the uh cashier and well they're probably wondering where all their fucking heat bars are going.
Like, wait a minute.
And uh he threatened me. I'll call the police and you'll you will go to jail. And I was like, ah. So I didn't, don't you ever come back to my store alone? So I didn't go back. So I um I didn't eat that weekend, you know. And when I got to school on Monday, I had missed breakfast.
And um So you're walking yourself to school, yeah. Everything.
Yeah.
And such a responsible nine-year-old.
Well, you know, I just that's where the food was. That's where the food was.
Yeah, okay. It was I was survival mode at this point, you know.
I mean, and um so yeah, so I went ahead and I went to school and I was like, Fuck. And uh I got to class and I was late, and I remember standing up, and back then we used to do the Pledge of Allegiance, and I stood up and I guess I just passed out. Oh wow, I fainted. And uh I woke up in the in the nurse's station, and there was in the the school nurse was giving me orange juice, trying to figure stuff out, and they had tried calling the emergency contacts.
No one's picking up.
There's no phone, right? The number you have reached. Um that being said, um they sent somebody, a school official, out to the address, and they came back. And the nurse, meanwhile, the nurse had said, Are you hungry, honey? And I'm like, you know, starving. And I just and I I I literally um I used to surround my tray like this, you know, and I would just eat really fast.
And um and the the school official came back and said, there is no one at that address. So they started having a conversation with me, you know, asking me gentle questions. Honey, do you still live at the address that you lived at when you started school? And I was like, Yeah. Um, and they had asked me, Well, um, are your parents at work? And then I got kind of tight-lipped.
And I was like, uh no, they're not. They don't have jobs. Pretty much. Um and they said, When was the last time that you saw your parents? And I looked down and I remember looking at my little red patent leather shoes that were all scuffed up, holes at the bottom. And I remember that, and I was like, I don't know, it's been a long time. Like, do you know how many days?
And I go, um, two weekends ago. And they were like, oh game changer. Yeah. So I sat there, um social services came. You're gonna go with this nice lady, and they're gonna get you some food, and I was like, yay, more food. And um they're gonna take you to a nice place and you're gonna have a warm bed to sleep in. Apparently, they found out that I was sleeping in the closet.
Right, of course. You know, they saw the cushions and my blanket, I guess. But um yeah, so and then on to the foster system.
Right. At nine. Nine years old.
At nine years old.
Okay. How was that experience for you?
Well, the abuse continued. Of course. And it became more like this is where I grew up.
Right.
You know? And um it became more um This is where I'm on my own.
Did you leave Bakersfield at that point? Did they place you somewhere else?
They they placed me in two foster homes in Bakersfield, then um, because I started like uh seeking substances at school, and I started seeking the older crowd. And um so I would come home high or drunk, and you know, and the foster parents was like, no, this isn't a good fit. And nobody else was, you know, there I guess there wasn't a lot of foster homes back there or out there back then.
So they started moving me out here closer to LA.
Closer.
So my next one was in Long Beach, and um then I did all the beach area, Hermosa, Redondo, Manhattan. Poor little old lady in Manhattan. I threw up, I barfed in her washer machine.
Nice.
I came home and she's like, You left your clothes in the washer. You need to move them to the dryer. And I was like, Okay, so I went in the washer and I was like, Yeah, and I threw up and she called my social worker, and uh the next day you were out, yeah. And then I went to my first girl's home. Okay, you know, and at this point I'm almost 11.
Wow.
Going on 12.
And all those different places in two years. Yeah. Yeah. That could not have been good for your self-worth. No. That probably created a lot of scars, new additional scars. No one wants me, I'm not good enough.
And that's where I discovered the term the throwaway child.
Right, of course.
You know, and um that's when I felt like the trash can child, you know. Yeah. We just get tossed aside. Nobody wants us.
Right. Right. Not the people who were supposed to, not the people who agreed to, nobody.
Right.
Yeah.
And all I cried for when I would be in the shower was my nana.
God.
And she probably has no idea any of this is going on.
She had no idea.
Right.
I'm almost positive she had no idea.
Because you have at 11, you have no way of contacting her.
No.
Yeah.
Back then there was no internet. It was I mean, we were still on rotary phones. Yeah. You know, you know, the ones that go, gosh, had them in my house. Yeah. And I had no way of knowing how to how to get in touch with my nana.
It's funny you put those phones in front of like a younger generation.
They they have no clue how to use them. It's funny. It's hilarious.
Okay, that's a lot by the time you're 11. And so now you're in the girls' group homes. Does this kind of system or pattern keep on until you're 18, more or less? Absolutely. Yeah. Did you start going to you start going to juvenile hall or anything like that? Oh yeah. Yeah.
Well, in between when I would, you know, because occasionally I would run away from a girls' home from the foster homes. Of course. And then I'd get picked up, you know, after curfew. Because back then they used to have commercials. It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your children are? Yeah.
And um, so yeah, it's so Today's parents don't have to worry about that because they're all in the house playing video games on social media.
Yeah.
Filming TikToks and stuff. Nobody goes outside anymore.
Yeah, nobody goes outside.
You know what's funny? I saw this guy who was talking the other day. He's like, you notice these days you never see any kids with casts on.
I know.
Nobody. What is that? When I grew up, like there was at least five or six kids in the castle. In the school with casts, broken leg, broken arm, broken wrist. You don't see that anymore.
Well, that's because we were little daredevils and we used to entertain ourselves.
We had to. We had to. They couldn't be in the house.
Yeah.
We weren't allowed in the house until the sun went down.
No, how about whenever they had sliding glass doors and you go up and be like, Can I come in? It's hot out here.
Yeah, yeah. No.
Can I have a drink of water? Use the use the hose. Yeah, the hose. Yeah.
So anyways.
Yeah.
Okay, juvenile, all good, fun stuff. Um, throwaway kid. These are obviously creating all kinds of scars for you along the way. Yeah. No real self-identity, probably, um, other than a negative one. Anything's negative in regards to yourself. Um, at this point in your life, are you experimenting more with drugs and alcohol to try to alleviate the pain or escape the pain or to change?
To try to feel comfortable in my own skin.
Right.
To try to feel like normal. Some sort of normality, yeah. At that point, at 12 years old, I had already checked out Cannabinol, PCP, Angel Dust, Supercools.
Um around back then? Yes. Okay.
So were Christmas trees, and um, and once I had taken a Benny, which is a white, which is amphetamine. Back then that's what that was a trucker, that's equivalent to meth, but like 90s meth. Um, and they were little white pills, and they were also known as crosstops.
Cross tops. Yeah. Okay. That I'm familiar with that with that name. Yeah. I've never tried them. There's gone before. Yeah. Yeah. So I was around for the 90s meth.
The P2P stuff.
The biker stuff.
Yeah, the biker stuff, the pink champagne, the bathtub, crank, yeah, peanut butter, all that. Yeah. But yeah, I had already um I had already like gotten into it and I loved it all.
Right.
You know, um, I especially I really liked PCP.
Right. PCP. I mean, who doesn't? Obviously. Yeah. If you've tried it.
If you've tried it, you could understand it. I liked the feeling of being numb. Right. From the neck up.
Yeah. And almost weightless. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. For sure. You know, and it and I didn't realize that those pains in my shoulder right here, um, I didn't know, like, I thought they were normal. Um, one of my foster moms said, Oh, it's growing pain, it's growing pains. And I was like, Oh, okay. And I just didn't even know what that was either. But the first time I smoked PCP, it went away.
Yeah.
And um there was all that stress. Stress.
And aggression. Yeah. And anger. Because I'm sure you're feeling a lot of those types of things by this point.
And in the foster home is, you know, um, that's whenever I fought a lot.
Of course.
A lot, a lot.
It's survival mode. Yeah. In there.
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. You know, my my older sister had taught me in Bakersfield how to fight because I was getting beat up. So she took me in and she was like, This is how you fight. And so she taught me how to fight, and so I knew how to fight.
Yeah. I learned the hard way too. I got beat up a lot in juvenile hall. Yeah. I was like the only white kid. Yeah. In Los Pedrinos. And yeah, in LP. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I yeah. So, yeah, and um fighting wasn't a thing for me by the time I was 12.
Well, you know, it becomes normal. Yeah. It's just a normal aspect of life, you know, having to fight for what you want, fight for what you need to stand for, fight for respect, fight for not being taken advantage of, being a victim. Everything revolves around violence. Yeah. And then there's the masking fear component too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Like my theory, and and finally I caught on. I was like, well, if I beat the crap out of one big girl once, everybody else will not mess with me. Yeah, for sure. And um, it happened all through grade school. I even fought these two brothers um when I was like in third grade or some shit. And uh his and I beat the crap out of him, and then his big brother wanted to come and fight me, and I beat the crap out of him too.
Nice. And next. Yeah.
And my sister was like, fuck yeah. Yeah, fuck with my sister, and that's what you get. Kind of, you know. And we were all smoking cigarettes that day, and it was, you know, that was a bonding moment for me. For sure.
Surrounded by violence and nicotine. Amazing.
Yeah. You know, but yeah, you know, and in at the girls' home, that's how it was.
Yeah, of course.
You know.
So tell me about how what happens after you turn 18. Are you no longer a ward of the state or the county?
I wasn't a ward of the state. I ran away from the girls' home at 14 years old. Okay. And went to go live with my first him. Uh-huh. Um, and yeah, and and at 16, um I had encountered, well, yeah, right shortly after I turned 16, I had encountered, I had an encounter with the police, and they said, you know, you're on a runaway list. And I go, Well, I've been gone for two years, and I take care of myself.
And at that point, I was. I was working, my him and my first him and I, first baby's daddy and I had our own apartment at 16 and 17 years old.
Wow.
We had our own apartment.
Right.
I had a job. I was working in downtown LA in a store, and he worked in some warehouse.
Nice.
And um, yeah, but we were selling weed on the side. Of course. Because you know, one does. Yeah. Yeah. And so I was gonna supplement that income somehow. Yeah. And how else are you gonna, you know, pay for your weed?
Right.
You gotta make it pay for itself. Yeah, of course. So yeah.
That's always the plan. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I used to say that about heroin, you know, yeah, speed.
Yeah.
But I'd always end up doing more than I sold. Yeah. I yeah, I get that too. Yeah. It's so hard to do. I was never a good drug dealer, ever. I thought I could be.
Yeah, I think all of us, I think a lot of us were.
I had the best intentions to be.
Yep.
Yeah.
Absolutely. You know, as long I I looked at it like this as long as we had enough to re-a.
Okay, so you said first baby's daddy. When were you or what age were you when you first started having kids?
I was 17 when I actually gave birth the first time.
Okay.
At 16, I had a miscarriage. Um because he had thrown me, he had beat the crap out of me. He was abusive, and that's all he knew. Um And that's all you knew. And that's all I knew. And at 17, I was six months pregnant, and he threw me down a flight of stairs. And um the next morning I was in labor, and I didn't realize that it was it had happened because I had gotten thrown down a flight of stairs.
And at yeah, my oldest was born and she weighed two pounds, three ounces, nine inches long.
Wow. And that's a penny. Okay. A penny. Yep. So you were 17 when you were when you had penny. Yes. Okay.
Um and I had I tried, you know, his mom had kind of taught me how to cook, how to be, how to do all that domesticated stuff.
Right, because you weren't domesticated. No. No. You were a wild animal. Yeah. You were raised by the system.
I was, yeah, I was definitely raised by the streets, you know. I was that chola.
Right. You know.
And being Hawaiian, you know, the Latino community is like the only place where I kind of felt like I fit it in because they kind of looked like me. Right. You know. Um, just my nose was flatter. And yeah.
But you could pull Chola Chola really well. Yeah. With the eyebrows and the white beater and the black bra, the Levi's. Yeah.
Yep. The 501s. 501s. Yeah. Um, you know, my little big old hoop earrings.
Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, for sure.
The big old feather hair, the big old starter kit, yeah.
Especially in the like 80s and shit.
Yeah, with our little black bands that we wore around our fingers to our wrist.
They were, yeah.
Okay, cool. So Penny comes in, you're still a baby daddy, then what happens?
Um, so at 19 years old, um, well, I'm almost 19, and I just he came home one night and uh he had been gone all weekend. And that was the last time he ever hit me. He I opened the door and apparently I didn't open it fast enough. And he clocked me so hard that I ended up on the floor. But I always kept a baseball bat behind the door.
And I at the moment I didn't it I blacked out. I seriously blacked out. I remember it later, later. Um, so I grabbed the baseball bat when I came to, and he's drunk as shit, and I let him have it. And um, and the cops got called. And back in the day when the cops got called, you know, for a domestic ma'am, do you want to press charges?
Yeah, it doesn't matter if you're bleeding. If you say no, they're like, okay, and they they leave.
Right. Not so anymore.
Yeah. Well, then when they they had gotten called by one of our neighbors, and I have the bat in my hand, and he is on the floor, so I went to jail. Okay. That's the first time. For domestic violence. Yes. That's the first time for well, back then it was attempted murder. Oh, okay. Um the baseball bat. Yeah. Yeah. And he was bleeding from his head. From his head.
Okay. And yeah, and he was laying in a puddle of blood. But it, you know, it got dropped down to um what we would call assault with a deadly weapon. ADW, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that was my first adult jail term. I did a county lid.
Oh, so you got to tour MCJ, or the farm.
Was the farm? No, back then it was um Sybil Brand. Oh, Civil Brand, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we used to call it the Silly Bitches Institute. S B I.
That's funny. Yeah. Civil brand, I've heard. 1982. Yeah. That's way before my time.
Yeah.
Interesting. Yep. But isn't that that's south? That's what's no, no. It's up there though, right?
No, it's right there in Monterey Park. Oh, okay. Um, I forget what they have up there now, but it was like it's way up on this hill, and you know, and yeah. Interesting. Yeah. They closed it down uh shortly after, I think in like 86, 87, they closed it down. And yeah.
So how much did you how how much time did you do on the county lid?
I did the whole thing.
Oh yeah. This there's no 10%. There's no 10% back then. No. Yeah, yeah. They weren't overcrowded.
Yeah, we actually had cigarettes. Yeah, you can get it. And we actually had money. We used to have these uh change bags and they have like little pouches, right? Yeah.
Like a hobbit would use or something.
We used so we used to uh we used to like getting like if somebody had black socks, we'd or we'd offer them like you know, four cigarettes for a pair of black socks, and we'd take them apart and the ch Yeah. And uh there was a few girls that knew how to, you know, make these little pouches, and they give you two and then they'd sell the rest or whatever.
So county lid, what happens to Penny and baby daddy at this point?
Penny goes with baby's daddy's mom. Okay, baby's daddy got out of the hospital, two broken legs, um, two cracked ribs, one broken rib, and a concussion. Yeah. And a lot of bunch of a bunch of stitches and stuff.
Yeah. That was the last time he probably hit you. That's why you said that, huh? Yeah.
That was the that was I'd like to I'd like to think that was the last time he ever hit anybody, but I don't know.
Who knows?
But yeah.
Okay.
And um, that was the last time any male ever hit me.
Good.
You know, unless it was in a bar bra, but right.
Well, you know, things happen, right? Right. A lot of things are flying around. You might catch a few. Yeah, you might catch some. No, no, yeah, it's no offense, right? No.
Oh, bye that.
Sorry. I forgot I didn't realize you were a woman.
Yeah.
Okay, so Penny, uh Penny goes with baby daddy. Penny goes you do a lid, and then what happens?
I get out, and right before, and his mom and I are close, right? And she told she told her son, hey, you know, Leilana's getting out, and uh you need to go somewhere. She doesn't have any family. And she's coming here because the whole time she used to come see me.
Right.
You know, and she was the one that would put money, give, bring me money. We used to call them wet wet twenties. Right. And they used to give a 20 to the sheriff and they'd soak it through water and they'd hand it to you and it'd be wet, and that was your money. So she would do all that for me. And um So she was on the team.
Yes. That's awesome.
And um she told him, You you can go to your aunt's. And he was pissed. And he's like, No, she was like, No, I I'm, you know, Leylana's coming here, and she's gonna be here with the baby. So there I was. I got out, um, I I went home to her to her house, and um yeah, and you know, I got a little another little job, and I saved my little dollars, and I got a little apartment um out in Third and Brando, a little single apartment in LA, um, close to Third and Vermont.
Okay. And um, it was my first little, and I wanted to get away from his area because I just didn't want to deal with the dude anymore, you know. And I was just trying to start over.
Right.
So I did, and I lost my little jobby job, but in between then I had, you know, reconnected with you know some of the homies, and um here it comes.
Start doing some shenanigans, a lot of shenanigans.
So God, it's quick money is so much easier than yeah, yeah, and I had hit up one of my homies who was my best friend, and um he was like, hey, pho. You know, well back then it was like, hey, homegirl, check it out. We could go do this, make this little move, and you know, and uh come up. And I was like, cool, because I I got rent coming.
Yeah, yeah, right, you know, and he's like, You gotta sit her, and I go, Oh yeah, for sure, you know. And so I took Penny to grandmas for the weekend, and I went to go make money. And uh yeah.
And if you don't want to maybe not incriminate yourself, but what was the what what type of things were we talking about? You can be very general.
So I became a really good actress and I learned how to become other people.
Okay. Got it.
So to speak. And this was the beginning, and it was small potatoes comparing to what ended up happening, you know, later, later. So I ended up going in and out of county jail, and then I ended up and I landed, you know, in Chowchilla because of a lot of the shit that I did. And I caught my first present my first uh prison sentence in 1987.
Okay. 88.
Wow. 87 was my first uh prison sentence. And it was short term. You know, I I was, you know, I was a turnaround. I went up, got my number.
So 16 with a half or something like that?
Actually, um, yes. How did you know?
Because that's what a turnaround is. Yeah. 16 with a half sixteen with a half. You go up, you go through reception, you land, you know, your number, and by the time you get through all that, it's already time to go home.
Yeah. And I I picked up my first W number.
Ah, okay.
And I had that for well over a decade, 17 years.
Okay.
And that's a long time. I was like, damn.
Fucking hey.
So yeah, that just tells you that I didn't learn my lesson first. We never do.
We never do.
And um, and I abscounded a lot. Of course. You know, like who fucking checks in? Like I never checked in. You know, I n yeah. Um you gotta find me. I think to be on to be 100% honest with you, the only time I really ever checked in was the last time.
Right.
You know. And um when you got sober.
Yes. Pretty much. Yeah.
Yes. It's so funny because I finally, after 17 years, um, I had finally given up my W number, and I, you know, because I was like, okay, well, I'm gonna do this and do that. And finally, you know, I maxed out and and I was kind of flew under the radar. I wasn't getting caught up or anything. Um, because I wasn't putting myself in super, super um sketchy situations.
Like I was being sketchy, but I was always out of there before it got super sketchy. And um, so I wasn't getting caught up a lot.
Right.
And um that's how I was able to discharge my W number. Eleven months later, I got caught up, and that was my final, you know, the final one. And I fucking went back and got an X number, and I was like, an X number? What the fuck?
My first number was a T number, and then and then this my most recent prison term was a BK. I was like, what the fuck? BK0666. I was like, when I was going through processing, I was like, can you give me another number? This is like bad, this is like a bad omen. It's like the mark of the beast. What the fuck, BK? Burger King the Devil.
Yeah, Burger King the Devil.
You know, I had done a few prison terms, blah blah blah. Um, and every time Penny went to go live with her grandmother, and then her last time she went to go live with her dad and his his um his new girlfriend.
I love how you put his new girlfriend in quotation marks. Yeah, yeah.
Because in well, from what I heard, mother and her isn't a term that should be put together. Got it. But, you know, I'm sure she did the best she could with what she knew or had or whatever the case may be.
When does Johanna come in the picture?
Johanna came in, so there's a lot of chaos going on.
Yes, there's chaos, chaos, chaos, prison terms, counties, but you managed to have another daughter. Right. So which took about nine months or so.
Seven.
Seven.
Um well Johanna's so I, you know, um, in between before I ended the W number, um I met my next him, who is Johanna's biological father. And uh he was actually a really good friend, and we used to steal cards together.
Okay.
And uh, but we were just friends. Like I used to introduce him to girls. Okay, right? We go clubbing, whatever, and I he'd be like, Oh, I go, you want to meet her? And he's like, Yeah. So I'd be like, hold up. And I go, blah blah.
So you were his wingman sometimes. Yeah.
I was his mean road dogs. Yeah, we were road dogs. Right. And um he was and he was a cool dude. He was a really cool dude, you know.
And um, so you gave him you gave him the you gave him the goods one time.
No, what had happened was is I ended up pregnant, but not by him, by someone else, my boyfriend at the time, and I disappeared to San Bernardino.
Okay.
And um, I had reached out to him because you know, he was my friend. And I said, Look, I said, I'm pregnant. Where are you? I'm in San Bernardino. What the hell are you doing out there? And I said, hiding out. And I was pregnant with twins. Oh shit. And I was pregnant with twin boys. And I had an and I was just, I was, I didn't know what I was gonna do.
And um I was gardening with uh Michael Madri, um Penny's godmother, at her house. That's where I was hiding out, and um I fell. And they had um, they didn't make it. I was five months pregnant and they didn't make it. But I did, um, and their names were Tuchukani and Kalani. I didn't name them. Um oddly enough, I named all my kids after my siblings.
And um I don't think that's odd at all. I think that's amazing.
Yeah. So, but there's only one name that I reserved, and that was Leilani. That was my twin. I uh yeah, I kept her. I just a part of me felt like I wanted to keep her to me.
Right.
So um while I was pregnant, he had come out and then, you know, and he used to come and hang out, and we we go eat and this and that, and and after I lost the boys, he had came out and he had told me, Look, I have something to tell you. And I was like, What? He goes, I love you.
And I was like, Er, yeah, hold up. And um, bro, time time and place. Like, I know you just miscarried twin boys, and you're devastating and your life's falling apart, but let me tell you how I feel right now. Yeah, what a what a guy.
But he not recommended he had told he had told me that he had loved me for a long time. Okay, and that he just stayed my friend just so he could be close to me.
Oh, okay. And uh oh, that's sweet.
And I was like, huh, that's cute.
Yeah.
So um, so of course, you know, that was my exit out of Michael Madre's house and back to to the city. And um, yeah, and then he and I decided to live together, and um we were together, we were together for two years, and um, and I wasn't on any birth control or nothing. Right. Right. And um and I didn't well, that's not true. I wasn't taking any pills.
I had a IUD and he used to call it an IOU. IOU children. Right. And um that's funny. So, anyways, I got I I finally we had our own spot and jobby jobs, and I was playing the part of the wifey, and he's like, let's have let's have a baby. And so I have my IUD taken out, and it wasn't happening, you know. And um, so I had just kind of given up.
And my sister came out, and I was feeling like, you know, like I was just wacky that whole, you know, I was it was like, what the hell is wrong with me? Am I gonna start my period? Why am I being all weird? And turns out the day that we dropped her off at the airport, um we were eating, and I just looked at my over-easy eggs and got up and ran to the restroom at a restaurant.
Pregnant.
And he looked at me and he goes, Do you think you're pregnant? And I was like, No. He goes, Let's just go to Planned Parenthood and find out.
Right. And um, boom, there it is.
Johanna, I found out I was pregnant with Johanna.
And sweet baby Johanna.
Yeah. She was planned, desired. And um, I was gonna be, I was down to be the best mom possible.
Right.
And he and I prior to us getting pregnant, we were like weekend warriors, like we buy an eight ball or whatever, and you know, coke, and and um I was like, we smoke weed and maybe drink a little, you know, like normal people.
Right. Everyone gets an eight-ball on the weekend.
You know, because on Monday, you know, we went back to work.
Yeah.
And um, so that all came to a screeching halt.
Right.
For me.
Okay. So you went squares, these like nobody's business. Abstinence.
Like nobody's business. Wow. And um impressive. And yep. And um my doctor had told me, he's like, look, at three months, he's like, we need to put you on bed rest because I'd start bleeding.
Okay.
And I was like, okay. And I was going batshit crazy.
I can't imagine on bed rest or any rest or any rest for that matter.
And so he used to actually um he used to take the vacuum cleaner and put it in the trunk of the car so I wouldn't vacuum clean the broom, the mop, and the vacuum cleaner because he's so good.
Is that horrible? I was tortured by that.
I mean, I could just imagine how many conversations had to be take place before his he resorted to removing it from the house. Like, like, woman, stop cleaning. You're on bed rest. Like, how many fights were there before he's like, all right, fuck it. And you know what? This thing's coming with me to work every day.
You know what's so funny? This is the first time I've ever told anybody that.
So good. Um I believe it because you are that person. You are that person a hundred percent. So it needs to be removed from your line of sight, it cannot be available to you.
Well, he had asked me, he was like, hey, so how was your day? And I go, Oh, it's good. And he's looking around.
It's clean, everything's clean. It's popping.
Yeah, you could eat off the floor, and it didn't dawn, but this like those little white things on the carpet were driving me batshit crazy. But I it didn't dawn on me that he's gonna peep this.
Of course.
So he just told me, he goes, Well, thanks for lying to me. Because he was like, So have you been resting all day? Did you eat? And I go, Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, I just from here to the bathroom to the bathroom and in the coward. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I made myself a sandwich. No, I didn't. I got up, made myself a full-on breakfast.
There's there's evidence in the trash. Yeah. And I didn't think I had to like hide my evidence from him because I was only used to hiding it from the cops. Right. So I didn't think that he was that smart, but he was. And so yeah. So he he confiscated the fucking vacuum, my mop, my broom.
And um I wouldn't put it past you to go knock on neighbors' doors, though.
Actually, I did, and he talked to our neighbor Kimmo, and he told him, he goes, Whatever you do, don't give her a mop. Don't give her a She's not allowed to clean. She's gonna lose the baby. Yeah, and so Kimmel was like, okay, and he was this, he was this gay guy, and he was so cool, right? And um, I went and I was like, hey Kimmo, can I can I like borrow your vacuum?
He goes, bitch, you trying to get me in trouble, right? And I was like, come on, just let me okay, let me your broom.
Right.
And he goes, no.
Like a crackhead. I just I just need a dustpan, a dustpan, a sponge. Give me one hit, one hit. I just need one hit. Like a cleaning product, dude. A cleaning product so fucked up.
There was a neighbor downstairs that didn't talk to her father, and I went and borrowed her vacuum whenever Kimmel wasn't around because he'd he'd rap me out. And it was, and I knew that the baby shower was being held at my house, and I was like, oh hell no. Hell no. So the day before I borrowed her broom and her stuff, and I cleaned house real good, da da da.
And January 26, 1991, it was a Saturday, and I picked up Penny from Catechism School, and um, and we went and I went upstairs and um I went pee and I was like uh it's time. Penny went, we took off, ran to the hospital, and Penny was believe it or not, she was my calming person. So we were just gonna have her be my, you know, my labor coach, right?
Right.
They don't allow anyone under the age of 18 to be your labor coach. Okay. So she couldn't, she was like all the way to the hospital. We were going, um we were flying down uh Vermont to go to Hollywood Presbyterian and uh because that's where Johanna was to be born. And it was new, it was really nice back then, it was new and shiny. And all the way I had my I had my seat reclined and Penny's right behind me, and she's like, breathe, mommy, just breathe.
And I was like, and he'd hit a bump, and I turn into the exorcist. You have to hit every fucking bump in the you know, poor duty, and um, so we get there. Um, I'm in labor for all of two and a half hours, and Johanna comes, you know, at seven months, four pounds, three ounces, eighteen inches long, even for being a preemie, she was big, yeah, you know, and head full of hair.
Oh my god, she gave me the worst freaking heartburn. She still has all that hair, heartburn. She had hair, head full of curly hair, and I was like, oh, no wonder why I had heartburn.
Yeah.
And she her cry, and I heard that cry, and I just wanted to be the best mommy ever. You know, and uh shit went south.
How soon?
Johanna was almost a year, and I started fucking around with meth.
How did that come back in? How did that get reintroduced back into your life? Were you hanging out with the homies again?
That gay guy who lived next door. Okay. I used to complain about being so fat. He was like, bitch, I got the perfect fucking diet. And I was like, really? So he turned me on and I had already stopped breastfeeding and everything. And so I knew that it wouldn't have, I just thought, oh, it's not gonna have any effect on her. And um, and he and I, you know, we'd do coke on the, you know, once a month, maybe, you know, Johanna would go with her aunt, or um sh, you know, he would go out to Hamford and she would stay a week at her grandmother's.
And so yeah. So he turned me on to meth, and I was like, oh my god, I love this shit. I started dropping pounds, like nobody's business. I was losing weight, looking great, feeling good, and um, he still wants to do coke, and now I don't like coke because it's like lame. Whack. Yeah. So I'm just like, oh, um, can you go get me every time he's got coke?
Like now I've got meth all the time, and I'm hiding it in places. And um every time he'd rack up a line for me, I'd be like, Oh, can you go get me a glass of water downstairs? Um, and he's like, Yeah. So he'd run down and I'd take the Coke and I'd scoop it into a bindle and stuck it in my, stick it in my bra.
So I'm selling the Coke so I can buy the mess.
Right. Makes perfect sense to me. Totally.
I had the people skills and I knew how to network and I had the connects and I made the call and boom, I was off and running. It went from twenties to ounces to half a pound, a pounds.
Just escalating and escalating.
In the process, I'm giving a shit less and less about what's at home.
Right. And um that's the trade-off, I think. And it's not intentional.
I literally put my little family on that platter when the the disease of addiction said, Hey, what are you willing to give up for me? And um and I put that on the platter. Here you go.
And um now is this at this point three years, Johanna's three years old. Okay. But what I wanted to ask you at this point, are there any indications of you like damn, I'm becoming like my mom type of thoughts yet? Or is that even um you're not even that self-aware yet? Right. This is just life and you're just living it in the moment, day to day. There is no connection.
My justification was is that I was making money to support my family. Got it. Paying the rent, paying the bills, da da da da da. My daughter has diapers, she has food. She's not sleeping in a closet. She's not sleeping in a closet, you know.
You're doing it different.
Yeah.
Right. The right way. Yeah.
I lose everything in 1999. Um, actually, it was almost 99. I get raided. He and I had already separated. I was like, it's over. Blah blah blah.
Kids go with him, or at least Johanna?
No, not yet. Okay. Um, I get rated, Johanna goes with him.
Okay.
And Penny is a teenager, she goes with her grandmother. And um I was just grateful that when I got raided, nobody was home.
Just you. Just me. And that's enough.
Yeah.
And um by this time, you know, um, I had had a couple little things and in between. And I had, well, let me back up. 97, 90, um, so in 96, I had got it, I got caught up, and um, this was the first, the first time, and I went back to prison and I caught my ex-number, and my ex number, I had it, and I was like, fuck.
And they were giving out strikes. So I got my first strike. And um, I had had a few run-ins. Okay, I had a lot. I started going to jail on a regular basis, in and out of Twin Towers. And um and uh I decided to take my second strike at the time I got raided.
For a lesser time.
For lesser time. Right. And in the moment I it really hadn't dawned on me. That that was like the selling point of the end. But subconsciously, I think it was. You know, I I think it was deep down, but I didn't really think, you know what I mean? So um I took my second strike.
Back to Chow Chilla.
Back to Chow Chilla. Um, and I fought that for a year and negotiated that strike. And I knew what I was doing because I was getting two for one, you know, fighting it. And um, so la la la, I'm doing that. And then I got two for one. And I got um, because there was no violence involved, I got I did 60%. Okay, you know. So three years later, 2003, well, before when I was still in Chow Chilla, I had never read anything in the Bible.
Um, I wasn't a fan of God. And um actually I I thought he was full of shit. Of course. You know. And um, so uh one time we were on, we were we were, you know, on lockdown, and it came by surprise, and the only available book in our cell was the Bible. I cracked it open after boredom, and I saw 33 3. It was by my thumb, and I was like, what the fuck?
Let me read it, you know. Jeremiah 33, 3. The only thing I've ever read out of the Bible. Call on to me, I will show you unknowingly beautiful things you do not know. I was like, oh kids, enough of that bullshit. Handed it to my bunky. Later on, I come to, you know, I'm the home, the homeboy's cousin makes it upstate, and she brings me approximately an ounce of meth.
And she finds me and she gets, and this is before they do all that. What do they do? X-rays and scan.
They put you through a machine and stuff.
They didn't do that back then.
Especially like on the four yards, you have them on every yard, every building.
Yeah, yeah. We didn't have that back then. This is August 5th, 2003, and I'm supposed to be getting out December 25th that same year.
Christmas.
Yeah, Christmas Day. And uh, but I found out that they also that um an agency had a warrant for me. So I felt up, filled out the cop out. She every time you fill that thing out, if you get moved, you have to start all over. Yeah, so all these females kept on calling enemies on me, blah blah blah. I'm getting, you know, moved. They're like, fuck.
So um August 5th is when I got it, and I'm looking as I'm walking from the yard, I got bubble guts going on, and I'm like, fuck. Fuck. Do I really want to do this? So of course, you know, I sat on that all night long. And I remember looking back at the yard as I'm going through to go to my yard, right? To go to D yard.
And I'm like, do I really want to fucking continue to do this shit?
Now, is this the first time you ever had a thought like that? Yes. Right. Interesting.
And that was profound for me. Right. Because I never thought otherwise. I was like always down for down for it, you know. I was a homegirl that was that was down to get high.
Yeah.
You know, go on missions and shit like that.
Maybe for the first time in your life the consequences started outweighing everything else.
Well, I had become a grandmother.
Oh, because Penny started having kids.
That March. Right. I had become a grandmother.
Okay, so your world had changed.
My world had changed. And I told that little shit, do me a favor, don't send me any pictures. You know, because pictures just make you hard time it, you know, it makes your time crawl. And what does she do?
Pictures.
Pictures. Oh my god, of the cutest little kid. Yeah. And that was my first grandchild, Santana.
Great kid.
Great kid.
And um he loved my Mustang.
Yeah, he did. He till this day he still talks about it. And um, so I wanted to hold Santana for his first Christmas. So bad. Because I had missed all of his holidays. And I had had a conversation with Penny on the phone, and she was like, Well, mom, what are you gonna do this time when you come home? And before I could even reply, I got an idea.
Why don't you just come home and be grandma? Because we all know it's way too late for you to come home and be mom. Ouch.
That sounds like Penny, though.
Yeah. And you know what? She had every right to say that. Every right. But had she said that to my face, I probably would have backhanded her. I probably would have put hands on her and said, bitch. Yeah, you know.
Well, everyone's tough over the phone.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Um, and I think that's and she knew that. And that landed. Yeah. That landed so deep. So um, that being said, you know, that really sat in. And then uh shortly, you know, so then I was like, fuck. So August 5th, I'm sitting on that dope. And the next, you know, and the next morning, I was like, I'm done. I'm done. I hadn't even fucked with it.
I literally sat on that shit all night long. And um took it to the yard, went to the porta potty, pulled it up, you know, changed the glove, pulled my glove off, and put it back in a pair of socks, found the homegirl, and I was like, here, walk with me, you know, because you could only walk back then, you weren't allowed to run. So I was like, walk with me.
She walked on the track with me, I gave it to her, and she's like, What do I do with it? And I was like, it's all you. It's all you.
Sell it, do it, give it away.
I didn't have the heart. I think I I think somewhere back here I had a reservation just in case. Because why the fuck didn't I flush it? Right. So I took it back and um I never went back to the main yard. Never went back to the main yard. Hence my sobriety day. I found out later, later when I um when I landed in recovery, um, that my sobriety date is August 6th, 2003.
Amazing.
Yeah.
And um and what a journey it's been.
Yeah.
I never, it's crazy because that Christmas I wasn't supposed to get out, but I did get out, and I was standing in, and I had told God, like I had it, my first prayer was like, hey dude, check it out. It says in your fucking book, if I ask you for some shit, and this is the eve of Christmas Eve. So this is December 23rd. Um, I said, it says in your book, if I ask you for some shit, you know, you're gonna handle it.
You know, you're gonna, you're gonna show me some stuff. Here it goes. Let me hold my grandson for his very first Christmas, and I'll do whatever it takes to change.
Powerful prayer.
It was heartfelt. Yeah, you know, and yeah, I cussed all through it and blah, blah, blah. And so I'm standing in my daughter's mother-in-law's living room Christmas night, and I have Satana in my arms on my hip. I'm looking at him, he's looking at me, and he's looking at me like, oh, hey, you're the lady in the pictures. And I'm looking at him like, oh, fuck. I gotta deal with God.
Yeah.
And if there's one thing anybody and anybody who knew me back then knows me, oh yeah. Yeah, he came back. Anybody who knows me knows that I'm a woman of my word. If I say I'm gonna show up, I'm gonna fucking be there. If I say you're gonna see me again, regardless to whatever the reason is, you're gonna see me again. So I check in with my pro agent the following Monday.
Penny's with me, and I'm holding Santana, and my pro agent says, Oh, he's cute. Who's that? And I said, Oh, it's my grandson. He was like, Cool, come on. So we went back and um he says, So, he goes, Uh, you're aware that there's an injunction on you in Whittier, right? And I go, Yes, I'm aware. So you are not allowed to go back to Whittier for the duration of your parole.
I go, I understand. I have a place for you, and that's where you're gonna go. Not do you have somewhere. And I was like, okay, I go, so where is said place? It's a place called Union Station Foundation. Oh God. I get there. It's at 412 South Raymond. And this is in Pasadena. Dude, I'd never been, son, I'd never been to Pasadena except for passing through to go pick up dope.
You know? Um, so I get there and it's a fucking homeless shelter.
Just gonna say, for people who don't know, it's a homeless shelter in Pasadena.
So back in 2003, it was a homeless shelter slash program, drug program, right? Drug and alcohol program. And I'm like, fuck my life. I am so not like these people.
Right. Of course.
Yeah.
So turns out you're just like them.
I know, what a concept.
Yeah.
So um it's and it's so it's so cool how I came to the conclusion that I was homeless and that I belonged there. Is that my drug and alcohol counselor, a lady by the name of Debbie, um, and I and everybody, you know, I I would not tell anybody my name, my, you know, my legal name. What's your name? Shadow. You know, that's all every everybody knew me as Shadow because I I was still, you know, yeah, institutionalized.
And even my counselor, she would try to call me Leilana. Leilana?
Bueller.
Yeah. Shadow. What's up? I need you in my office.
Yeah.
Because that's how you get them, that's how you get them to follow, you know, to follow the program. And so one day, you know, when I first got there, this is my second day there, and I'm like, mm-mm. I walk into her office, I say, hey, yo, I need a minute with you. We need the room. I'm telling the other counselors, we need the room.
Like you're on the yard. Politicking with the drug counselor.
And and she had been down that road, so she she knew how to how to talk to me. She was she was cool as fuck. That's good. And she goes, What's going on? Have a seat. I was like, look, check it out. I don't belong here. You need to call my agent. You need to call my P.O. get his ass down here. I do not belong here.
She goes, have a seat. Come on. So I have a seat thinking she's gonna, you know, she's moving some stuff on her desk.
Gonna pull up your agent's number. Yeah.
Yeah, and she's gonna do the do, right? And she goes, um, so I have a couple questions for you. And I go, okay. She goes, so do you have a set of keys to a door to a place? I'm like, no. So you have a family member that's willing to take you in. And keep in mind, I burnt every fucking bridge there is. And I was like, no.
She was pitching ass is homeless. Yeah. And it right. I was like, fuck. I literally went like this in that seat.
Yeah. I just shadow evaporated. Right?
And I was like, fuck. Fuck. And Mr. Enrique has told me you're gonna make this place work. And if you do, or you fuck up there, I'm gonna strike you out. That that just knocked me for a loop. That was such a reality check. And I thank her so much for doing that. Right. So now I'm like, okay, bitch, suck it the fuck up. Make this shit work.
So now I'm running the homeless shelter like it's a fucking person. We had mandatory meetings.
I had to fucking Yeah, you couldn't you couldn't get fed. You couldn't eat unless you went to those meetings, some of those meetings. Like you couldn't eat breakfast unless you went to the book study.
Yeah, absolutely.
I remember facilitating that over there. So it's cool, but uh so you would get all kinds of people in that meeting because everyone wanted everyone wanna eat. Yeah, they want eggs. Yeah, so they're gonna come to the meeting.
Not only were the residents in those breakfasts at the breakfast and at the meetings, so were the homeless people from the streets from the relapse park, all that. All that. Um so I would go to these meetings in the morning at 7 o'clock, and we had to be there. It was Mando. So I figured, what a great time to do my makeup. So I was doing my makeup there, and I had met some people, and I met this one gentleman by the name of Bill Morgan.
And I can I can break his anonymity because he passed um July 7th, 2015. Um, Bill Morgan, he gave me my first big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I was like, oh, okay, cool. So that's what I was using to hold up my mirror.
Right, obviously.
Yeah. And I said, fuck it. If I gotta carry this thing with me, I'm gonna make it work. And so I put it to work, and um, he found out that I was using to hold up my mirror, and at this point, he and I had adopted each other. He asked my story, and I told him, and I told him I never knew what a father figure was, and he was like, you know, he he he felt me.
And he was like, You've never had a dad. And I said, No. And he told me, I'll be your dad. So he adopted me, and this man had no problem calling me on my shit. He was like, Doll baby, and I go, Hey dad, what's up? He was like, So let's take a drive. So we took a drive and we're in the car, and he's like, I said, where are we going?
He goes, We're going to Burger King, because that was his spot because they were flame broils or whatever. And um, he's like, So I heard that you're doing your makeup in the morning meeting. And I go, well, yeah, if I gotta be there, I'm gonna make that time work to my benefit. He goes, that's a book study. And I go, and he goes, What are you using to hold up your mirror?
Asking you questions he already knows the answers to. Yeah.
And it's so funny because that's where I got that from. Yeah. And uh I was like, my book. He goes, which one? I go, my big book. He goes, so you're busy saving your face instead of saving your ass.
Ouch. That's good though.
And I'm like, and this is this old white dude, right? Yeah, yeah. Gangster is fucked though.
Yeah, he was he was he was he was amazing.
Good people. And uh he was the only one who could fucking talk to me like that and get away with it. Anyone else, I would have told him where to go, how to get there.
He definitely softened you up.
Yeah. And I was like, fuck. And he told me, I'll bet you a hundred bucks, you cannot surrender your makeup bag. A hundred bucks in early 2004, shoot it. I was like, fuck yeah. I said, for a hundred bucks for how long? He goes, a week. Done. I needed money, you know. And um so I gave him my makeup bag. Um, he put it in his trunk, and he said, I got an idea for you.
And I go, what? He goes, how about you crack open that book I gave you? He goes, those two old white guys, and I go, yeah. He goes, there's they wrote a hundred and sixty-four pages all about you. You know, really? And you know what?
I cracked up in my big button.
I got a sponsor, then I got another sponsor, then I got another sponsor, and finally I saw her and I heard her. And I asked her to sponsor me. She didn't want to. She actually said no at first, and that's putting it nicely. And um, her husband, Nimrod, kind of bullied her into sponsoring me, but I manipulated my way into their life, and like we do. Yeah, you know, because hey, if I want something, I'm gonna manipulate my way into it.
Blah, blah, blah. Long story short, um, she sponsored me, said, be here Thursday at 3, 3 p.m. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I didn't have any fucking money for um, you know, for a bus or anything, but I got there. In regards to the makeup bag, it melted in my dad's trunk.
Did you never get it back?
I I got it back, I didn't need it.
Because you were busy saving your ass now.
Now I'm on this journey of saving my ass. And my dad is, you know, had it not been for my dad, Bill Morgan, introducing me to some reality checks, you know. And um, my sponsor Sandy, you know, because trust and believe, I I made her and her husband Nimrod earn their chips every single fucking year. They took a chip. They were like, thank God we made it.
So yeah, so I got busy and I started learning about the disease of addiction and alcoholism from which I suffer.
And you were given the opportunity to recreate your life, and I know you have a beautiful, amazing, full life today. I do. Because I'm not uh I'm not just a bystander, I'm a participant in your life, and it's truly an honor and a privilege to do that. 100%. I'm getting married next month, and she's gonna be walking down the aisle with my other mother, my biological mother, who I love very much.
Um, yeah, just to give you guys a kind of an idea of the relationship here. She's very important to me and to my family and To my daughters and my fiance and all the things and all the people. Um so 23 years sober now. You're married. Yes, your husband is amazing.
My husband is my happy place.
He's a lot, yeah. He's definitely he's definitely that. He is the most serene dude you'll ever meet in your life.
Yeah, because I'm still a lot, and I know it because I'm very well aware of that, that I'm a lot.
But he's a perfect match for you.
Yeah, because he's he's like, babe, you're doing it again.
So good.
He's so chill. Yeah. And I just look at him and I was like, oh tsavi. Yeah, Savi. Oh tsavi. And um, yeah, you know, you guys have been married for how long six years? Six years this Saturday. That's amazing. Yeah. And um, you know, and it's it's cool because, you know, so over the during the last um 18 years, um I started adopting people.
Yeah, you sure did.
Yeah. And I adopted a total of 37 addicts and alcoholics. Unfortunately, some passed because not everybody makes it. But um, and I get to I get to be mom, you know. Um, I get I get to have a relationship with Johanna today. Um, and I get to have a relationship with Penny. Um, matter of fact, I was just on FaceTime the other day, yesterday with Santana, my 23-year-old grandson.
And um, you know, and I there's some things I get to do in life today. I get to be, I I I get the opportunity to make a difference in people's lives today. I get to do that. That's the reward of my life today. I'm at the happiest time of my life right now. And I never in a million years when I was walking those prison yards or when I was running the streets in the middle of the night moving dope, imagined that in 2026, this is where I'd be.
What does Scars and All mean to you personally? It's the title of the podcast. I ask every guest.
It means that our scars don't tell our future, the story of our future. All they all they are is the results of what we've survived. You know, our reminders, if you will. My scars are like my ink. You know, they don't define who I am today in a negative way. They define the strength that's grown the perseverance of the beauty.
Beautifully said. I love it. Um, if someone listening is struggling in silence, what would you want them to know?
There is help. There's help out there. You're not alone. Yeah. Please reach out. If you're struggling, please reach out. You know, you guys have the internet today. And it's at the click of a finger. Yeah. You know.
There's so many resources out there for people. Absolutely not just struggling from with addiction and alcoholism, mental health, mental health, abuse, abuse, trauma.
Yeah.
Anything and everything. Absolutely. And it's so very well said. Well, mom Laylana, um, this concludes the episode. You did so good. Thank you.
I was nervous. We always are nervous, but once you get in and you start talking, it's like it's like you and I were having coffee.
Yeah.
And I just made you breakfast, and we're sitting across from each other at my house.
Yeah, it was good. It was good. Um, again, thank you so much. I love you. Um, you helped so many people, myself included. Um, you were definitely the one she was the one person that didn't give up on me. And I'm here because of her, you know. Um, and so again, thank you. I'm missing.
Oh, it's been an honor. Thank you for asking. Of course. I was like without hesitation, sure. Yeah, of course. You know, I didn't even know what it was gonna entail, but if you would have said, hey mom, you'd be like, okay.
Yeah, sure. Um, awesome. Well, thanks again for tuning in. Um, I'll make sure you check out next week's episode. I have uh an amazing gentleman coming in who is from Pennsylvania originally, relocated to California, um, has overdosed countless times and is now a success story. Um, he did not let his scars define him. And like mom so so beautifully said, you know, it defines his strength today.
So thanks for joining us.
Short cuts from the conversations. The rest is in the episodes.
