AJ Banuelos

0:00 Alright, everyone, how you doing? My name is Frank, and this is the Scars and All Podcast. Today I have the pleasure of having our very first guest on the show. Um, it's a really good friend of mine. His name is AJ Banuelos, and he is the has the fortunate position in a company called Endoverdose to be the director of community engagement. And how are you doing, AJ?

0:24 Frank.

0:25 I am excited, a little nervous to be here. And uh I know this is the first episode. So the very first episode, very first no pressure, yeah, set the bar. You know what I mean?

0:36 Like, that's why you're my guy, bro. You're my guy. I wanted to have you on because you and I have an amazing relationship. Um it's uh it's been a privilege to work not only hand in hand with you professionally, but also in this journey of recovery that we get to share. And um, I knew that I can count on you to come in here and and be honest and vulnerable.

0:57 And you have a very interesting and exciting and traumatic and triumphant background, which I think a lot of people that will be listening are are excited to hear about. I know I'm excited to hear about it. Um I have a host of good questions to ask. Oh yeah, I see card two, you know what I mean? I didn't know there's another one. Yeah, there's two cards here.

1:18 We're gonna get into these questions because I think they're going to be very informative and they're going to help you um kind of expose yourself to the world in a in a sense, and and that's kind of what this podcast is all about. You know, we're talking about scars, we're talking about how they change us, how they dictate how we live, um, how we navigate life, um, the ones that we kind of unknowingly have on our sleeves, you know, carry them where everyone can see them, and then some that we keep really deep down inside.

1:50 Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

1:52 And I think it's part of the experience of life that brought us here. And um, you know, just a couple things before we start, man. I'm really grateful that God seemed fit to put you in my life. You know, we've known each other for a few years, and and it is an honor and privilege to go in and walk this road with you as well, man. So the feeling is mutual.

2:07 Thank you, bro. I love you, brother. Thank you. I love you too. And everything that you've accomplished, man, and everything that you do. And it's an honor and privilege to be here and show up for my friends, right? Absolutely. You know what I mean? To show up my friends for good reasons. You put a collar shirt. You put a collared shirt on and everything. You knew it's what I was busted out to you.

2:21 I'm busting out the fineware, the Ben Davis.

2:23 Ben Davis, I knew you was you was going out all the stops for us.

2:26 Yeah, I couldn't come in the tank top.

2:29 You stopped at the swap me before you got here. You got a pro club under there? It might be a shaka, but it's got the shaka.

2:39 All right, so how much how much time do you have? Man, so um my clean date is April 21st, 2021. I got five years. Thank you, thank you. And we're all in that same sweet spot right there. I know you just hit five years as well, so congratulations to you as well. Thank you, sir. Uh I remember giving you a cake, and uh it that cake is absolutely amazing.

2:59 So it was.

3:00 We can just leave it at that.

3:02 We'll leave it at that. Yeah, if you want to see what kind of cake it is, you come check us out on Saturday morning. It's a mean stag and uh Cobina. Pinpoint the moment you realized I can't keep living this way.

3:15 Man, you know what? There was there was a few moments like that, and I think it was an accumulation of moments over time. Um But there's two moments. There's two men, there's two moments that always stick in the back of my head, right? And the ones that I always remember and don't forget, you know? The first moment was very simply was I lost my will to live, right?

3:39 Whatever I do, what I whatever I was doing wasn't working anymore, right? I I felt so lonely, so alone, the dereliction, the abandonment, right? I couldn't connect with other people, I couldn't get my life on the ground, right? We we were in some, we were in some fucking the shooting gallery, some spot in Azusa that we just took over. You know what I mean? Relations weren't going good, you know what I mean?

3:58 And it's just like that was just the lifestyle that I was living. But like that moment, it's like I wasn't there for my son, my family didn't want me around, you know what I mean? Certain spots didn't want me around because all the shit that I brought with me, right? And it was just like, man, dude, like, you know, I really, I really felt the uh the emotion of abandonment.

4:16 I felt so alone. I felt so alone, right? And and in that moment, like my homeboy was drawing up a shot of heroin, and I really didn't mess with heroin that much, right? Like I was a glass person, alcohol, you know what I mean? And I remember he was drawing up this shot, right? And he was like, What's up, fool? You want a shot? And I was like, Yeah, I was like, hey, put some more in there, you know.

4:34 And my my intent was uh my intent was to leave. Check out the check out, bro. Like I was done. I was fucking done. Like I was so hurt inside, right? All that pain, that misery that I had with me, like I was fucking done. I wanted to check out, right? And here's like, you know, we talk about this the disease affecting us self-centeredly, right? Like this, this was my these were my thoughts, right?

4:54 I wanted your last moments of me to hurt. I wanted your last moments of me to not be good. I wanted you to fucking cry, right? I wanted you to think of the way that you were treating me, right? In those last moments. I didn't want you to have any good memories of me, right? You know, my mom, my grandmother, my sisters, you know. Everyone you felt that had kind of turned their back on me.

5:13 I felt they turned their back on me, right? Right, and that's what it was, you know, and and like and in that thought process, right? I didn't think about how that was gonna affect my son. The one that mattered to me most, right? Right. The one that mattered to me, right? The one person that like I really needed to be there for, right? I was so focused about everybody else, right?

5:30 And and and I did that shot, bro. And I did that shot, and I remember fucking, I remember just going into this slow slumber, bro. I remember fucking one of my homeboys was right there, and I remember he was just like, hey, fool, wake up, wake up. And that's all I remember. And there was bits and pieces, bro. They they called my homegirl, and I want to shout out to her, uh, my homegirl, my homegirl bully, you know what I mean?

5:50 They they called it up. But you know, and um, you know, they called her. She grew up around heroin addicts, right? She knew what to do, bro. They called her up, she fucking showed up, and like I remember bits and pieces, bro. They had me in the shower, they were fucking slapping the shit out of me, right? They had ice, they brought ice over, you know, you know where that ice went, you know?

6:06 Right. And and just walking me, but it was just bits and pieces, bro. And I just remember waking up later on that night, and it was just like I remember waking up later and my mom showed up. My mom showed up, bro, and and like my mom showed up, bro, and I was like, what the fuck are you doing here? What are you doing here? Like, now you care.

6:21 Now you care, bro. Now you give a fuck. Like I almost fucking died, and all of a sudden, right? But it's something that I wanted, right? Like, I wanted like um, you know, I wanted her to show me that she loved me, bro. And that's all I wanted my whole life, right? That's all I wanted. She showed up to show me that she cared, and I still turned her away, right?

6:37 But there was something like when she showed up, it was like, yeah, there was that small piece of validation that my mom loved me still. You know what I mean? But I had to put myself in a fucked up situation, and that's been my life, bro. I put myself in fucked up situations, right? To feel validated, like when I get out of juvenile hall and I got out of prison, you know?

6:52 And that's what it was, man. And that was just one moment. And then like the other time was like, it was just a huge wake-up call, man. It was just like, I was I felt like I was so close to death, bro. It was scary. It was fucking scary, man. Right. I was at my homeboy's pad, and he talked about going out by suicide by cop. You know what I mean?

7:08 He's like he's on a gang unit, and we're up in the apartment, bro. We're up in the apartment, and fucking we seen the sheriffs pull up. One sheriff pulled up, phoom, parked on the street. We had visual, we seen the street, right? Another one pulled up foom. And they all parking. They all fucking park their parking, bro. They park, right? Yeah, and the walking gate's right there, right?

7:28 And they fucking walk in the gate and we're tripping. We got the camera up, we're looking, right? And anytime I go, he's like, hey, if you got a fucking 44, boom, here we go. You know what I mean? So fucking they walk in the gate, right? And they walk around the apartment. We're like, fuck, they're not here. They walked around the apartment, they come back up the stairs, bro, and they're just like, they're knocking on the door, boom, boom, boom, boom.

7:48 And I'm just like, fuck, bro, like time froze for me. Time fucking froze. And I was just scared, bro. Yeah, I was so afraid. I was like, fuck, this is how it's gonna be. And I was just waiting, like I was like, time literally stopped, and I was just waiting. And I was just waiting for that first shot to fucking, that first shot to go off, right?

8:05 And all hell to fucking break loose, right? But I remember just fucking like we just did a shot, right? And I shot a meth, and I was right there shaking, bro. I was just like, fuck, man. And he was like, A four, we're gonna put the fucking guns up. You know what I mean? Put the fucking guns and they put them away. So, anyways, they come in and they're like, hey, we're doing a fucking parole sweep.

8:20 Somebody says they're here by this address. We want to make sure this person's not there. And by God's grace, bro, he was just like, he was like, Hey, fucking, that's all you want, you know. And they're just like, Yeah, that's all we want. So they came in and they they sweep the place to make sure that the person that they said wasn't wasn't there. They didn't care about nothing else, they didn't care about nothing else, bro.

8:36 They didn't care about luck, but I was just like, fuck, dude, like this is how it's gonna be. This is this is how it's gonna go out, right? Like, and that right there was like, hey, do I want to continue to keep living my life like this? Do I want to keep living like this? You know? And that was fucking scary, bro. Yeah, for sure. That was fucking that was scary for me.

8:52 Like, I was just like, fuck. And there's been plenty of times when I've been okay with death, right? Like, hey, I'm I'm okay. Like I was running around the way I was running around, you know, like I want to fucking die. But that right there was just like, damn, just overwhelming fear. Which moment happened first? The overdose situation happened first. Right. Um, that that happened maybe uh a few years before that incident.

9:12 So maybe if you hadn't had that experience with the overdose, you probably would have been more prepared to go out suicide by cop in the second experience, right? I think so, bro.

9:20 I I think I would have been a little more okay with it. Right. You know what I mean? And but those two experiences right there stand out the most to me.

9:26 And how long after that did you finally surrender? Fuck. Not too long after that, bro.

9:33 So what happened, what happened after that was um, so my probation officer was like, hey, you gotta go to the halfway house. I was like, What? I gave you my grandmother's address. He's like, fuck no. Yeah, I know how you are there. Like the previous, prior to this, right? Like, my grandmother let her know, like, this was like before the violation I did, and she was like, Oh, he's doing the same shit.

9:52 He's getting I kicked him out of the pat and I went on the run, right? So she knew how I was at this at my grandmother's house already, and she's like, Hey, you gotta go to the halfway house, right? And so I was like, Hey, give you my grandmother's address, and she's like, nah, fuck that, nah, you're going exactly no. So I went loaded, bro. I had a little bit of dope on me, had a little bit of heroin on me.

10:07 And I remember checking into this spot, and I and I know how to work them, bro. I've been there before, I know how to get loaded, I know how to fucking work the system right there. Program, program, bro. I know how to program, right? And um, I remember being on quarantine and like, you know, God works through others, right? And and I see that now. And I had this number from my brother, right?

10:27 Uh shout out my brother and Ashley, right? They worked at this facility, you know who they are. Yep. And um, you know, I remember having this conversation with my son. He was around 11 years old at the time. And my son, I was just like, I was like, hey, son, I was like, hey, I could stay here, you know what I mean? And I tried to dress it up, bro.

10:42 Like, hey, I could see you, we could barbecue, we could play board games. I was like, or you know, dad has a problem. You know, what do you want me to do? And he was just like, Dad, I want you to work on your problem. And there was something in me that started to crack, right? There was something in me that really started to crack. And um, mind you, I took off, I took off from that spot.

11:00 You know, I made the appointment at the other place, I took off, I got there, and uh, my probation officer was pissed. She was livid, bro. She was on the phone, she was talking, she was like, I'm gonna fucking violate you. And I'm like, dude, oh man, like, hey, you gotta give me some credit, I'm still here, you know? And uh, so I'm chain smoking, bro. I'm chain smoking, I'm blowing up her phone.

11:15 I'm like, hey, I'm gonna stay, I'm gonna stay. Just kidding. Hey, I'm just kidding, I'm gonna stay, you know. She's like, fuck, and she asked, she's like, What do you want? She's like, nah, dude, like you you think you go through life with no consequences? Like, I'm gonna violate you, right? And I'm just like, man, dude, like I was just like, hey, I don't want to be a sitting duck here, wait for the marshals to come pick me up.

11:31 You know what I mean? But I didn't know, I didn't really know that they can't, you know what I mean? Because you're on federal probation. I was on federal probation, right? And I didn't know any of this, right? And um, you know, I had a moment of clarity, dude. I had a moment of clarity, and it was just like, hey, dude, like if you run, for sure you're gonna go back.

11:46 Uh, if you stay, you have a chance. And I remember just like, hey, do my intake, do my intake, and and we did my intake, and um, and it was a gradual process, bro. But like, I think when I checked in, right, like when I checked in, there was a couple times that I wanted to leave, but I had a lot of great experiences at the facility, right?

12:00 Like, you know, hey, I found a sponsor, I was introduced to those 12 steps, right? I was introduced to service, and I didn't know what any of that was. I didn't know what any of that was, man. But I I think, you know, I think I surrendered when I decided to check into that place, right? I had to try something different. I had to try something different, right?

12:17 And I've never done anything like that before.

12:19 Right.

12:20 And and that was like that was one of the moments. That was like one of the nuggets of surrender. That was one of the nuggets of surrender to get me in, you know. Yeah. And um, you know, life life changed after that. Like life changed, dude. Like I had reservations, bro. Like, I was gonna go back out. I was as soon as I phased up, and you know, you know, this final as soon as I phased up and I and I got the phone, like, hey no trip, I'm gonna get my certificate.

12:41 I'm on FaceTime, you know. Yeah, yeah.

12:44 The heat's off.

12:45 The heat's off. I feel like I got some weight on me. You know what I mean?

12:48 That's the problem. You know, we sometimes when we first get sober, we still think we can like have one foot in and one foot out. Yeah, yeah. And because I think so much about addiction isn't necessarily, I mean, it is the drugs and the alcohol, of course, but so much of it is the lifestyle. Yeah, for sure. The lifestyle. It was fun, bro.

13:06 That's what I know. That's what I'm used to.

13:08 It's so ingrained in us. Yeah, it's it's the only normal. Yeah, it's the only normal. And now we're trying to incorporate this abnormal shit, like being a productive member of society and and like caring about anybody but other than yourself and being a father and all, you know, trying to be taught all these things. It's like, well, hold up, you know, that's cool. Like I'm learning, but I still want to do this over here too a little bit.

13:31 Like, I'll just leave the drugs and alcohol alone. Yeah, I want to pull up to the spot. Trying to buy spots licking in it. Who's home?

13:37 I wonder who's over here. I wonder who's hanging out.

13:39 Hey, look how good I'm doing. Yeah, what's up? It's my car, like it's in my name. The barbershop. The barbershop. What were you most afraid of losing when you chose recovery?

13:54 Man, dude, just you know what I was most afraid of was my fucking ego. The person that I was known as. Talk about that. Why?

14:03 Okay.

14:04 Dude, my life, my life, like ego has been instilled in me from a young age. You know what I mean? And and you know, I grew up in a dysfunctional family. The environment that I grew up in, right, uh is heavily predominantly by gangs, right? And the city that I grew up in, right, a lot of it's family-oriented, right? We got a lot of cousins, a lot of uncles.

14:21 You you you know the city. Your dad. My dad. My dad, bro. My dad was my fucking role model, bro. And I just, you know, and we're gonna we'll probably talk about this a little more, but like, you know, I just wanted to be loved by my dad, bro. But the lifestyle that my dad chose to live, right? You know, that gang lifestyle, you know, being out on the streets, like in and out of prison, you know what I mean?

14:40 Like that right there, like seeing that, right? Like that instilled uh ego in me, right, from a young age. Like, this is how we grew up in the city, right? Like, this is what we're supposed to do. Like, I didn't know right from wrong. I didn't know, I didn't know that the lifestyle that he chose to live was gonna impact me the way it did, right? Right, but it did, right?

14:57 And I ended up following in his footsteps, right? And it started off with like, you know, the era that I grew up in with there was a lot of tagging crews. You know what I mean? There's a lot of tagging crews. We stood around on walls, you know, we were tag banging and this and that, and um, you know, and eventually later on in life, like I'm not gonna lie, bro.

15:11 I started coming around the neighborhood a little later, but I always had that connection from a young age. I knew a few of the homeboys, you know what I mean, staying at my uncle's bat up there, like all the homeboys were coming in. We all knew each other. And and that like I was afraid. I was afraid, bro. I was afraid that like nobody was gonna know who I was, you know, no nobody was gonna respect the person that I was, right?

15:30 And that's a scary thing, right? Because my whole life, right? Like, you gotta be down, you gotta hold your own, right? You can't let nobody fucking get up, get over you, you know what I mean? And I was afraid. What are people gonna think of me? AJ's a fucking weenie. A weenie? A weenie? A weenie? What do you mean, right? Like that's scary, bro. Like that was scary.

15:50 Yeah, yeah. That was like that was my fear. Yeah, people were gonna look at me different, they're gonna judge me, bro. Of course, you know, and I and I had to let go of that fear. And I'm very fortunate, bro. I'm very fortunate. There was a few homeboys that were like, you know, they were just like, hey, do your thing, bro. Do your fucking thing. Yeah, we're proud of you.

16:07 Right. We're proud of you. And that that helped, that helped me like let let that go, let it go. You know what I mean? So super tough. That was tough, bro. And that's something that I battled with, right? Like, you know, I got out of treatment, like I wasn't sober living to you, and I still had, you know, I went down there a couple times, you know what I mean?

16:23 And and still, still kind of struggling a little bit, not fully surrendered to those reservations, but you know, I ended up getting the reassurance from from certain people. Like, it's okay that I'm doing what I'm doing.

16:33 Yeah, you know, when I when I first when I first got sober, it took me probably maybe two years before I started asking, stopped asking people like, oh, you just got out of prison? What yard you put in. Which one? Is that good now? Yeah, last I heard.

16:50 They just flipped it, didn't they?

16:52 Yeah, it's no good. Yeah, yeah. Um, but I don't I don't do that anymore. I don't care. But yeah, it's it's a hard thing to let go. Yeah, that was a very difficult thing to let go. You know, the the just that whole mentality and the lifestyle, and and it's it's funny because it's not funny, but you were living in a world or grew up in a world where you were being scarred throughout and not even knowing it.

17:18 I had no idea. No idea. You just thought it was normal, yeah. You know, and I I've I I experienced much the same, you know, and growing up. I mean, we have similar upbringings, but not quite the same. Um, I idolized my father, idolized him. You know, he went to prison when I was in third grade, didn't get out until I was in high school. And um, you know, I he was everything to me.

17:42 Yeah. Um, but it was normal for my dad to be a Dauphin. It was normal for my dad to be an armed robber, to be a two-time felon, to spend copious amounts of years in prison in the penitentiaries and and come in and out of my life and and all of these things. And little did I know that that was creating deep wounds, yeah. Deep that I still struggle with today.

18:04 Fuck, you fuck.

18:05 I'm lit, you know some of the emotions I'm going through right now, too. And like we we have like I had no understanding, like that's what it was. That's just what it was. Trauma, bro.

18:14 Trauma and the fucking scars that we get sober and you're like, wait a minute, that's not normal. Oh my god, what do you mean that's normal? What do you mean that's not normal? Wait, your dad like lived with you the whole time?

18:27 Like had a job and stuff, but it's crazy though, because like you know, a lot of us grew up in similar circumstances, a lot of us did, yeah, and and and a lot of us came out the same way. You know what I mean? More or less drugs, alcohol, prison was normal. Ego, yeah, bro.

18:43 Needing validation, needing acceptance. Yeah, yep, yeah, for sure. Um, what part of yourself did you rediscover in recovery?

18:52 Dude, oh man, these are some fucking really good questions, man. I think one of the most important things that I've learned and rediscovered um was loving AJ, was loving Anthony, bro. Yeah, was fucking loving myself. Right. You know what I mean? Because all those years and my addiction and my disease, bro, like I didn't love myself. Right. I didn't know what that was. Like incapable. It was incapable.

19:16 My definition of love, the way we grew up, bro, like the way we grew up, our that definition of love was distorted, right? Yeah. Like I fucking, I um, like I I will I will twist love with lust, right? It's gotta be, it's the sex, it's the fucking, you know what I mean, the the the physical, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, and then that's not love, bro.

19:35 That's not love. And it's easy to fucking blur those lines right there. Right. But what it was to to love myself, like really love myself and and be able to look in the mirror, right? Like, hey, this is this is who you are, and feel good about it. Right. And feel good knowing knowing that, you know, you talked about being a projective member of society, right? Like being a projective member of society, right?

19:53 Um being able to being able to help other individuals, right? And really understanding that, getting out of self, right? Because I was so fucking selfish, right? You know, so fucking selfish, bro. I didn't care about my family, none of that. None of that, right? But you know, in and loving myself and building this connection and figuring out I'm still figuring out who I am, right? There's certain things that get peeled back and I'm like, oh, what the fuck is that, right?

20:18 You already know something that happened recently, like what is that, right? But I get to like I get to walk through it, right? I get to walk through, I get to feel these feelings, you know? And and love, love is an important part of that one, you know, a a deep rooted feeling of love for myself. Right. You know what I mean?

20:33 Which in turn you're able to actually start dispersing love outwards. Give it out, bro. Give it out.

20:41 Give it out because how am I gonna love you if I don't love myself, bro?

20:45 You hit the nail on the head. How the fuck am I? Our perception of love is distorted. Yeah. My dad would tell me he loved me, but yet again, he would tell me he's gonna pick me up and then not show up. Right? And I'd be s I'd be that kid, like, you know, like a like one of those fucked up Hallmark cards, you know what I mean?

21:03 Like I'm sitting out on the curb waiting for and my dad drove a Volkswagen bus, so it's a very distinct mode. You know, and that's what I'm saying. I'm like straining to just because you can hear it down the street, and I just want to hear it. You just want to hear it. I just hear it. And then my mom would finally come downstairs and she's like, you know what, he's not coming.

21:17 Fuck dude. You know, and so that's what love is. Yeah. But he says he loves me. Yeah, yeah. So, you know what I mean? So, like that from all the way through, and then the lust thing, yeah, all the way through. Or the abuse, right? I love you, but you fuck up, I'm gonna beat the shit out of you. Dude, so much of that, growing up, you know what I mean?

21:32 That fucking deep rooted fear. I was growing up, bro. There was a lot of fear in my house. Right. And I grew up afraid. Right. I grew up afraid, but I picked up these other tools, right? To kind of suppress that and mass that, you know what I mean? Yeah. And but but yeah, bro, yeah, the the all that fucking trauma, that once again, that's that's deep rooted, bro.

21:50 Scars, baby. Yeah, bro. And words are just words. Words like follow up, dude. I told myself my family, all those empty promises. Of course. I fucking I live. But what am I doing with my actions? Yeah, yeah. I love you. I love you. I used to pick up my son, bro. Like, hey, I love you. I used to say, bro, that's the delusion I lived in, right?

22:07 I told myself I was a good dad. I wasn't a fucking good dad, dude. I was an absent father, bro. I wasn't there for my son, right? I gotta be honest.

22:13 Yeah.

22:14 You know, and I told my son that I loved him. Right. Right. But the reality was, like, I would pick him up and drop him off my grandmother's house. Right. So I could go run around. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah.

22:23 And feel and feel good about it.

22:24 Feel good about it, bro.

22:25 Hey, see the baby. Here we go. Hey, here's your nephew here to get up. I gotta go take care of something.

22:32 I'll be back in a few hours. Yeah, yeah, bro. You know, those empty promises. And I got that with my dad. Of course. Once again. It was learned. Just like you. It was learned, bro. It was learned and it was passed on. Yeah. And I passed that on to my son. I love you, those empty promises. Things are gonna change, right? Nothing fucking changed. Until it did.

22:47 Till it did.

22:48 Until it did. So has there any been any moments in recovery that have felt lonelier than an act of addiction?

22:59 These cards are talking to me right now, man. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. There's a situation that just recently happened that it brought up these old feelings, right? It brought up these old feelings, right? What kind of feelings? Man, feelings of being alone, the uh the the dereliction, the abandonment, right? The loneliness, the isolation. I want to get stuck in myself. I want to lock myself in the room.

23:25 I don't want to be around anybody. I don't want to talk to anybody. I want to be in my fucking feelings. I want to be sad.

23:31 Instigated by one individual. By one individual. How much power did you place in that individual's hands? Looking back a lot. A lot.

23:39 A lot. A lot. But there was a lot of feelings. There was a lot of feelings behind it. You know? And in my part, like I I do have a part. You know what I mean? And if this person ever hears, like, I I could have done better. I've could have made more time for you. You know what I mean? And and I could have. I've could have.

23:56 Right. You know, and I could have. And and looking back, like, it was the best relationship I've ever been in. Right. It was the best relationship that I've ever been in.

24:06 Typically, sometimes the hardest lessons come from those too.

24:09 Yeah.

24:10 Yeah. Because I think and I know for myself personally, like, when you go through something like that, and we just talked about rediscovering the love for ourselves, and then we find ourselves face to face with some adversity that we've never experienced before. Oh new. And then everything gets rewritten. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like, damn, I thought I loved myself. But the moment that I have, you know, the moment that this doesn't go a certain way, like, man, I'm rewriting the book.

24:41 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm fucking got my pen out. I'm just like, you know what I mean? For sure. And and you know one thing I've learned, man, was just like I I get to I get to go through these feelings and process them, right? Like I know what to do. I know what to do. Yep. But what it what what is it going to take for me to get into action?

24:58 Right. Right? It it took me to get honest and vulnerable with my friends. And some pain. And some pain. And some pain. And I'm still stupid decisions, maybe. And some very stupid. We won't get into that. Some very stupid decisions, right? Some very stupid decisions, right? But it was a humbling experience. Yes. That was a humbling experience that used to, you told me this. You're like, hey, you had to experience that.

25:20 You had to walk through that. Yeah. Right. Because no one can explain it to you. No, no, I gotta fucking don't touch the stove. I'm gonna touch the fucking oh, it's hot, right? Like that's how I learn. Exactly. That's how I learn.

25:31 That's how we all learn.

25:33 Most of us.

25:34 Like, because you tell me that's just hot. My mind goes, well, how hot, how hot can it really be? It doesn't look that hot. Yeah. It's not red or nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Electric stoves. One of the electric stoves, dude.

25:47 Yeah, yeah.

25:48 Yeah, dude.

25:49 Yeah.

25:50 I always gotta test the waters, man. Yeah, man. And that's kind of what I've been doing was just like, you know, and it and I was just stuck in self. Right. I was so stuck in self. Right. Like my disease manifested another way. And it was just like, you know, what's the solution that? Get out of self.

26:02 Right.

26:03 And God put opportunities in my life to uh to be of service. To be of service, man. And I and I took them. Thank God for that. Thank God. Thank God for that. And I feel a little better today.

26:13 So what has been harder or what experience have you ever had that it was harder than getting sober? Getting sober was one of the hardest decisions that I've had to make.

26:22 That was fucking like one of the hardest decisions that I've had to fucking make in my life because I didn't know if this was gonna work for me. Yeah, I didn't know like it was the fear, bro. Like I don't know if there was anything else that was like that was the hardest fucking thing for me, you know, because everything changed, everything I was in the past.

26:40 Like, like I gotta give all that up. You know what I mean? Like I didn't know if this is gonna work for me. I I had no idea. Like that right there, it was like, you know, and of course, there's been some hard decisions that that have that have come along the way, right? I wouldn't say like they're the hardest. There are a lot of them are like learning curves, opportunity for for growth, right?

26:58 Me, uh applying myself to certain situations, but there are some things that are scary along the way, you know. I'm doing things that I've never done before. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Being somebody you've never been. I've never been, bro. Like I'm reaching out to people, I'm connecting with people, right? You know, through the job through and overdose, right? I'm we getting certificates of recognition from like Congress, from city council, like all that is that that's exactly, bro.

27:26 Like, that's scary, bro. That's scary. I gotta pick up the phone and call people. You know what I mean? Like, that's scary.

27:31 It's clearly harder than getting sober.

27:33 It's not harder than getting sober. Like getting sober was like that right there. Getting sober was tippy top. The top, you know what I mean? And it was the fear of the unknown. It was the fear of the unknown, you know, and that's basically all it was. I didn't know if this was gonna work for me. I didn't know what my look like, I didn't know what my life looked like outside of the stuff that I that I've used to, right?

27:54 And that's that's a scary thing because I know the lifestyle that I live, I know what comes with it, right? Getting loaded, you know what I mean, doing time, like I I could accept that until I couldn't anymore, until being until entering sobriety, like being getting sober was was an option. Yeah, you know what I mean? For sure.

28:10 It's I mean it was an all it was always an option, right? But it was never a viable option for us until it until it was. Yeah. You know what I mean? I had plenty of opportunities to get sober throughout the years, but I I always felt like I could do it another way, my own way. You know, and I always wanted my cake and I wanted to eat it too.

28:30 We don't we all? Don't we all? I had a really hard time saying goodbye to the homeboys and the homegirls and and the this, that, and the other. And you know, and the first time I got sober, I didn't have kids, you know, and then I relapsed for eight years and I had kids, and it was so difficult to get back, bro. Yeah, it was so difficult to get back.

28:48 I mean, it took me eight years to get back, bro. Yeah, but you made it. I made it, thank you. So you know the title of the podcast. Yeah. What does Scars and All mean to you?

28:56 Scars and All, man. You know, we're kind of talking about it in the beginning, right? It's that deep-rooted trauma, that deep-rooted trauma that I experienced growing up, you know, and that I still carry with me today, right? We talked about those feelings, right? You know, the feeling of abandonment, the feeling of being alone, right? All these feelings growing up that I still have in me that are hard for me to process and walk through, right?

29:18 You know, and especially being alone, and especially feeling like I'm alone, but I know I'm not. But I know I'm not, right? But it's this deep-rooted trauma that I had growing up, right? Like, you know, just wanting to be loved by my dad, just wanting to be loved by my mom. You know what I mean? Just wanting them to, like, you know, especially for my dad, was like just wanting him to change the lifestyle so that he could be there for us.

29:38 Because I didn't feel like I was worth it. You know, I didn't feel like I was worth it, bro. Like, am I not? And I used to think this like, am I not worth it enough for you to change?

29:47 Right.

29:47 Right? And and and I used to sit there and think about that. Right. You know what I mean? I used to sit there and think about that, you know, and and but like looking back, like, you know, they did the best, they did the best that they could with what they knew how, right? Because my dad grew up, you know, like a there's a lot of domestic violence with my dad growing up, his dad fucking left left him to go start another family.

30:08 Right you know, my dad was raised by his uncles, you know.

30:10 Right.

30:11 And and in turn, like that was that was passed out. The cycle just fucking boom, boom, on pass the torch on to the next person, right? Pass the torch on to the next person, you know. And the scars like, I'm I'm grateful. I am grateful for my experience, right? Because I look back at everything, right? And I have a ref I have a point of reference. I don't want to feel like that anymore.

30:32 Yeah, I don't want to go back to that, right? And and and and and and in those experiences, right? Like it keeps me in a state of gratitude, bro. You know what I mean? Like I'm I'm grateful for all my life experiences, the scars that I carry. Yeah, you know what I mean? For sure. Because it made me who I am today.

30:46 Because we turn them we learn how to turn them into assets, yeah, absolutely.

30:50 Yeah, yeah.

30:50 I mean whatever whatever it be, whether it be abuse, physical, verbal, um, I don't give a fuck what anybody says. Fucking prison's traumatic, dude. Fuck yeah, there's all kinds of scars, dude. Yeah, you know, just living that lifestyle and and being in that constant state of apprehension of violence at any moment. On your toes, man. You know, one thing I wanted to ask you too, going back to your dad, is because I know this has been true for me, I too wanted my dad to change and wish he could be different and wondered why he wasn't different because of me.

31:31 But then when I started experiencing my own addiction, especially then when I had children of my own, I was able to then not only forgive my dad for all of that kind of thing when I was growing up, but I definitely saw him more of as as an equal to me. Yeah, you know what I mean? Because I even though because I I swore up and down I wasn't never gonna be my dad.

31:56 Yeah, yeah, fucking. Adamant, nope, adamantly, bro.

32:00 But who'd you become? Oh, just like him. Just like my dad, yeah. Just like him.

32:03 Yeah, spitting image. Yep. You know what I mean? Yep. And uh to the point where uh there was a point in time I was doing my last prison term, they moved. My ex-wife moved, her and the kids, and I wasn't allowed to know where they lived. Yeah, fucking hurt, uh. Oh yeah. Yeah. I'm like, what do you mean they're not in Locker Center anymore? The fuck? Or where do you live?

32:24 We're not gonna tell you. Can't tell you. Can't tell you. We don't want you to know where they live. Living in California still? Can't tell you. Can't even admit to that. Bro, I was in prison, I was stewing mad in the cell. Yeah, so upset. How dare this bitch fucking move my kids without telling me? Yeah, like I'd been a dad for the last eight years and had any rights to say where she can and can't leave to die a dime of child support.

32:48 No, no, you know what I mean? Yeah, I've been running and gunning for the long ass time, but I feel entitled to know like at least where they live. Like, no, bro. I I all but gave up my rights to have any say on any of that. And but now looking back in retrospect, like I can honestly I feel my dad's pain. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

33:05 Because I was though that's a scar that I carry, you know what I mean? Not being able to not having the capability of being the father I know I wanted to be and knew I needed to be, and I knew he felt the same way. Yeah, but his addiction was you know paramount. It was paramount. He was we were we're slaves, bro. That's number one. Did you have the same kind of experience or kind of I know your your dad's passed on?

33:28 He did. My dad did pass on.

33:30 Um I I had a really similar situation. And um, you know, like looking back, you know, my dad did the best we knew how, right? And and like when I decided to live in our because like I was I my dad raised me, bro. Like my dad, you know what I mean? Like, like, hey, this is what she wanted, you know what I mean? Like, you know, all the my cheesemo in the house, not being able to express, suppressing my feelings, right?

33:51 Like that ego, like, hey, we gotta care, you know, and I'll like hey, you come back fucked up, I'm gonna fuck you up and send you back to go fight, right? Right. And and in turn, like getting fucked up myself, you know what I mean? And like I did see my dad as an equal when I started getting loaded, right? When I started getting a little older, right?

34:06 When I could step when I could when I was able to fucking stand up for myself, right? You know what I mean? Once I got those, those, those, once I got to those later ages, you know what I mean? And when I started getting loaded, bro, like I got high on my dad. The first time I got high on my dad, like I got out of, I just got out of camp.

34:21 And um Which one? Uh Muns. It was Muns out there in like Cat Cass Lake Muns. I never got to go with any of those, man. They always sent my ass to Challenger, bro. Yeah, dude. Yeah. I was I was 16 and uh I went to Challenger, I went to the hole up there. Um like I woke up on my birthday up there, but you know, I remember like my dad, because my dad chatted, my dad did work, right?

34:40 And I remember like I was like, hey dad, you do do our last name on the back, on my back, you know. And the first time I got high on my dad, he was staying in Ontario. Your dad tattooed you? My dad tattooed me. My dad tattooed me too, bro. My dad tattooed me too. You know, I remember my dad slinging ink on me, right? And I was like, we were drinking, and I was like, hey dad, you got any dope?

34:56 You know, 16, bro. My dad looked and he was just like, he's like, You sure, yeah, I got some dope. Yeah, just like that. She's like, Yeah, yeah. I remember fucking burning it. He's like, hey, don't fucking burn it. But you know, and and and in that process, right? Like, I was able to bond my bond with my dad through using you know what I mean. And I think when that's so healthy way in the not so healthy red, that's not normal, once again, this isn't fucking normal, dude.

35:23 This isn't normal, you know? And like that's how that's how me and my dad connected because I seen a way for me and my dad to connect, bro, and it was over getting loaded, it was over drinking, it was over the streets, right? And like in growing up, bro, like I want anytime my dad heard my name from any of the homework, I wanted it to be good, bro.

35:44 Well, in a bad way, in a good and a bad way. In a good in a bad way, you know what I mean? That's that ego once again, you know, and that was my driving force, bro. Like, that was my fucking driving force, bro. And I understand, like, you know, you said it, like we're we're a slave to the disease, bro, to my addiction, right? And I understood my dad because I hit a point, I hit a point where I was like, fuck, like, no matter what, like we always had a place.

36:08 We were staying in motels, you know, we always had clothes on our back. You know, there was there was always at the arrow in, bro. My mom, my mom worked there at the colonial at the colonial, bro. The super eight, bro. Like, we always had a roof over our head, a definition of a roof. We had a place to stay. There was always food, you know. And I was just like, my dad's just doing doing what he knows how to do.

36:31 Yeah, right. And and and that brought me like, like, fuck it. Like, he's doing what he can. Yeah, you know, and like I understood it. I understood it, right? And then I started living that lifestyle. But mind you, I didn't step up like that, you know, like early addiction. Like, I had a place with my son, with my son's mom. We had my son, and and just lost all of that.

36:52 Just lost all of it. And eventually it was just the streets, bro. Anytime I got out, it was just running around in the streets, you know, getting low, getting high, seeing my son for like a couple weeks, and then fucking after that, just you know, gone, bro. Gone with the wind. It was AJ who was um, I just kind of want to talk about this. Like, you know, my dad was such a big part of my story, you know, the scars growing up.

37:14 And uh, you know, my dad passed away from cancer, and uh my dad was staying at my grandmother's house, right? And uh my dad was getting ready to pass, bro. I just didn't know it, I didn't want to face it, right? And my dad was my dad, like, because every time like my dad had cancer for years, bro, I'm like, what's up, daddy? I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.

37:31 Until finally he wasn't. He was like, I'm I'm not doing too good, you know. I was like, fuck, I never heard that from him. And I remember my dad was like on the couch, bro. My dad was on the couch, and like he's like we were chopping it up, and and my dad just starts crying. I'm like, what's up, dude? Like, what are you crying for? That probably fucked you up.

37:47 That fucked me up. Like that, that that was like a chink in the armor for me, right? Right, and and we had this hard to I was loaded, bro. I was loaded, but I remember this conversation that I had on my dad, dude. And my dad's crying. I'm like, Dad, what's up, man? Like, what's wrong? What are you crying for? And he was just like, he's just like, I'm afraid.

38:03 I'm like, what are you afraid of, dude? And he's like, I'm afraid that you're gonna die before I do. Damn. The way that I was running around at that time was fucking like, you know, and I was just like, and I remember telling my dad, bro, I was like, I was like, nah, don't trip, dad. Like, I promise you, you'll die before me. Yeah, what the fuck?

38:21 Like, bro, your dad died stage four, dying on your grandmother's cows, bro. And he's worried about you dying. Worried about me. Damn. And he told me, he was like, I want different for you and your brother. I want it different. And and and I was just like, This is this is when shit started to crack in me. It was just like, hey man, like you don't like what you see, like this is who you this is who you brought me up to be.

38:41 And you don't like you don't like what you're seeing? And he was shaking his head. He was like, No, I want better for you. I want better for you. Damn. Like, fuck that shit fucking hurt. Yeah. That hurt. That that that cut deep. That cut deep because everything I was doing was just to be accepted from my dad. Basically, that's that that was deep rooted right there.

39:00 That was a scar. And you were checking off all boxes. You know what I mean? And it's just like, and and all that for nothing, bro. And he switched up the list on you. And and fucking dude, that hurt. Yeah, that fucked me up. I bet. That fucked me up. But I'm grateful that I had that conversation with him. And I think like looking back, bro, and that was like that right there, that right there was just like, hey, one one of the defining moments, like something's gotta change.

39:23 A little seed was little a little seed was planted and watered. Right. A little seed was planted and watered. Because at the time, you probably didn't even know what better for you looked like. No. Fuck no. No, what do you mean? A job in construction or something like that. Yeah, bro.

39:35 When we catch a life term, yeah. What are you talking? What are you even talking about right now? What are you even talking about? Before recovery, what were you searching for before?

39:48 I was searching for connection, bro. And I think that's what it was. Like, you know, before before recovery, like, you know, I was searching for that family. I was searching for that connection, right? And I found connection in drugs, right? I needed something in me to feel better about myself, right? And and like that's what I'm looking for. Like, that's what I'm looking for. I'm looking for connection out there, you know.

40:09 But I was lost, bro. I didn't really know what I was looking for. I was looking for that next high, bro. I was looking for that next one. Good time, you know, a good time. You know what I mean? I was looking for that good time, bro. That's that's it. That uh uh in the moment, in the moment fucking feelings, you know what I mean? And that's what I'm chasing, bro.

40:25 That's what I'm looking for, right? I'm just looking for that next high. I'm looking for that next feel let me feel good. You know what I mean? And no matter what form, it was it, whether that's like with the woman, you know what I mean, getting high, getting loaded, drinking the beer, you know, to do some sort of action, you know, like that's that's what I'm looking for, you know, that little that little fucking boost, man.

40:43 That little fucking boost.

40:44 Yeah. Is there any part of your story that you were ashamed of, but now you feel differently about today? Um there's there's a few.

40:57 There's a few. Well, let's hear it, bro. There's a few. Um you know, just the relationship that I had with my son's mom, bro. You know what I mean? You know, I I ended up being the image of my father, you know what I mean? And and certain things that I did, bro, like, you know, using the rent money, bro. You know, we were about to move out using the rent money to fucking to go take off the weigher to go hang out with some just go buy dope, you know what I mean?

41:21 Putting hands on my son's mom, bro. You know what I mean? Not being there for my son. Like I'm I'm I'm a re I'm really ashamed of that, bro. You know what I mean? And there's there's some other stuff that I carried too when I was young, bro. There's some shit that I'm ashamed of. You know what I mean? And a lot of it, like looking back, like there was this one situation, bro, and I have a problem with I had a problem with trusting individuals, you know what I mean?

41:42 Building up this relationship with um, you know, there's this cross card, bro. There's this cross card, dude. You know what I mean? Like uh somebody who helps you cross the street. Somebody helps you cross the street who ended up getting close to the family, bro. And and there was some trauma that that ended up happening, bro, and I and you know that that that I was ashamed of.

42:00 That I was ashamed of. You know what I mean? You know, like these are these are things that I that I carried with me growing up, you know, that helped mold me, you know, and and the shame and guilt that I fucking brought along with me. You know? You see them differently today? I see them differently today. That that that I do, you know, that that I could move on from that, right?

42:27 That I could accept what happened or what was and move on and be a different person today, right? And and be able to process that and walk through it, you know what I mean? Because it doesn't define you. It doesn't define me. It doesn't define me, but at at the time, it's growing up, it did, right? Like, hey, what the fuck? Like, you know what I mean?

42:44 Um but but that doesn't define me, right? Like I I get to be a better person today. I get to make a live in amends today, bro. You know what I mean? I get to make a live in amends today by being the person that I am today, you know, and and what an experience. Yeah, what a fucking experience, man. For sure. Would you say that you've forgiven yourself?

43:03 I have for for all a lot of things that I've done, man. Like I, you know, and that goes hand in hand with loving myself, bro. Like I I get to forgive myself, and I have forgiven myself. You know what I mean? Because that, like you said, like that doesn't define who I was, right? But in turn, like who I am now, who I am today, right?

43:22 Like I could look in the mirror. I could look in the mirror and be I could be proud, right? A healthy level of pride, right? Of the person that I am. A healthy level of pride, right? Yeah, character defect, you know, simply human traits that are taken out of you know context, right? But but a healthy, a healthy level of pride, right? In the person that I am today, right?

43:40 Like, hey, you're you're a good individual, you know what I mean? You love yourself, you know what it is to love, to be love, to spread love in the world, right? To be there for other other individuals, man, you know. So what do your scars teach you now? What not to do? My scars teach me what not to do. To do man, because I don't want to, you know, like, yeah, I don't want to pass these things on to my son, right?

44:04 Yeah. Like I don't want, I don't wanna, I don't want to create more scars the way that they were created with me, right? And and I get to do things different. And I get to do things different, right? And it's I got a clear indicator of like, hey, that's what not to do, right? Like, don't do that. You know what I mean? Don't treat people like that.

44:19 Don't do that. You've seen how you see the effect that it had on you, you know what I mean? Like like me raising my son. You know what I mean? Like, you know, my dad was rough on me, dude. And like, and not one, my son's big, he'll probably fuck me up though. But I don't tell him like that'll fuck you up. You know what I mean?

44:33 Like, no, I get to come from a place of love. A place of love. What a concept. What a concept, bro, and have these conversations and understand, like, he's gonna have his own experience. Like, he's gonna have his own experience. Yeah, right. And and really like we've talked about this before, you know, he's his own individual. Right. I can't control anything that he does, right? Yeah, but I can be there to hold those conversations with him and kind of talk to him about it, you know.

44:57 Right, bro, and I think that's huge. That's something that comes to mind for me too, is like being approachable. Yeah. Yeah. And being knowing for at least for your kids, I mean and for anybody, but specifically for the kids, like you're a safe space. Like it doesn't matter what they're going through or what situation they're facing or whatever it is, they know they can talk to dad about it.

45:17 Yeah. And he's gonna come to it and meet you at a place with love and understanding and empathy instead of judgment and criticism. You know what I mean? And I think that was the biggest one of the biggest things I've been able to incorporate in being a father this time around, this time around. But um, I've always been a father. But like, you know, since this this time in sobriety, these last five years, is I think that's one of the biggest biggest assets that I've acquired.

45:42 Yeah.

45:42 You know what I mean? Is is knowing that these kids they can come and talk to me. Yeah, absolutely. You know what I mean? About anything. About anything. About anything. Whether it's boys, I'm blessed with five daughters. I don't know if that's blessed or you're blessed, bro. I'm blessed or curved. You're blessed, right? You know you're blessed. You say it all the time. I love them the death.

46:01 They're women, man, and and and you know, they got women problems, and so but they still feel comfortable to talk to me about stuff and anything and everything, and boys, and and you know, it's it's just it's awesome. It's awesome. Yeah, what a blessing. What a blessing. What a blessing. Yeah, because we couldn't talk to our parents like that. No, no, dude. No, no, no, no, no.

46:20 You know, hell no. Like, oh, hey, you know, I put it.

46:24 So like, you know. Fuck no.

46:27 Hey, how do I save up and you know, hey, how do I uh, you know, even an application, like, hey, how do I get this job? Or like, hey, how do I go about working on my credit or something like that? You know what I mean? Like, yeah, those are all foreign conversations, you know.

46:38 All right, here's a good one. Was there a version of yourself you had to grieve when you started healing?

46:43 Was it a version of myself that I had to grieve when I started healing? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely, man. For sure. Absolutely, dude. Like what version? You know, that that version of that that person, right? Like that didn't know his self-worth, right? That didn't know what they were capable of, right? That lost little child, you know what I mean? That child that just wanted love, that wanted comfort, right?

47:09 Like I I had to grieve that, you know what I mean? Like, I I I gotta grieve that and I gotta start healing. I gotta I gotta move on from that. You know, the person that I used to be, you know what I mean? I gotta I gotta let that stuff go, bro. I gotta let it go. I gotta grieve, man. Um even my dad, dude. Like my dad, like grieving my my my dad, my grandfather, you know what I mean?

47:30 Like I I can't get that time back. You know, everything that I've done in the past, like I can't get that time back. You know what I mean? But but I can be present in the moment, in the here and the now. You know what I mean? And just like really understanding that, like, I can't get the time back, bro. I've had a lot of a lot of lost years.

47:45 You know what I mean? It's just like now it's just like looking forward, putting one one foot in front of the other.

47:50 So looking back, do you think there were some warning signs that people missed, or did you think you just hid things really well?

47:58 I think I hid things really well. I I I think definitely like I hid things. I didn't talk about things. No, I didn't, you know, I didn't have those conversations. Who the fuck am I gonna talk to about this shit? Oh fucking sad, I'm going through shit. Like, it's not like now, like now that I know I could pick up the phone. I could pick up the phone, like, hey man, this is what I'm feeling.

48:14 I'm feeling really sad. I'm feeling really sad today, right? I'm I'm in my fucking feelings to see. Never could you say that. No. Fuck no. They're gonna be like, what the fuck's wrong with this dude? You know what I mean? Even with my family, right? Like, hey, we didn't talk about our feelings, right? No, it's something that I've learned being in sobriety, right? Is I is I get to talk about my feelings now, right?

48:34 And and I think that's super important because if not, it's just gonna build up and build up and build up, man. And and I see what that did to me growing up. I'd fucking blow up, bro. I had a chip on my shoulder. Yeah, you know what I mean? I got something to prove, you know what I mean? Like always, bro. Yeah, and in doing so, it's just like, hey, whatever it is I'm going through, like it's just like really release, it's just like a release valve.

48:54 Yeah, it's a pressure release valve. You know what I mean? Like I get to process it, I get to walk, I get to talk with another person, and they can walk me through it, right? And I think that's beautiful about our experiences, right? Because chances are maybe you have been and walked through something that I'm going through. Absolutely. And you could fucking walk me through it. Yeah, you know what I mean.

49:11 It becomes one of our greatest assets. Absolutely. Honestly. I got a room full of solution, man. Yep. I got a room full of solution, and I'm not alone. The good, the bad, the indifferent. You know what I mean? Uh there hasn't been anything that I haven't gone through, whether it was the abuse I suffered as a child, um, you know, um being abandoned, feeling abandoned, all those things that I haven't been able to share with somebody else and use it to our advantage to learn from.

49:37 It's all a learning thing now. Yep. It doesn't make me a victim, it doesn't victimize me. I I I have to step away from that victim mentality. Yeah, it happened. Okay, now what do I do with it? If I'm still allowing it to dominate my now, who's really the perpetrator here? Yeah. I'm holding on to it. To myself, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. So yeah, it's one of my best assets today.

50:00 You know, my experience. I had this older this guy that much wiser than me used to say that, you know, my experience will never lie to me. No, never lie to me. You know what I mean? Yeah, I don't know. How did it work out for you the first 10 times? Like I lived through this already, right?

50:14 Oh, fuck. It didn't work. Didn't work.

50:17 Yeah, for sure. For sure. So, Mr. Director of Community Engagement. Yeah. Um, I want to talk a little bit about what your life is like now. Obviously, you're five years sober, yeah, and you're doing big things in the community and kind of give back. You want to talk a little bit about that and your role at End Overdose, shout-out to End Overdose. Shout-out and overdose. Yep. It's a great, great nonprofit community.

50:43 Um, we they do a lot of good work. We've kind of worked hand in hand on a bunch of different things over the years, and it's an honor and a privilege to do so, and I hope we maintain that relationship. Um, so yeah, tell us about it. Yeah, man.

50:54 So uh just to kind of like where where my life's at now today, like, you know, my life is really good, bro, and we hear it all the time. Like, I am truly blessed with everything that goes on. Even the bad that happens, right? Right. Like, it's still not as bad as what life can be, you know. Um my recovery comes first, bro. Like, my I've I've learned to put recovery, God, and everything else falls into place after that.

51:17 Um because like I've I know I trust that process and I know that it works. You know what I mean? And and the result of that is like I I could walk through life, bro. I could live life on life's terms, you know what I mean? I I could go through pretty much anything, man. And and like doors open up, doors and opportunities kind of open up for me, man.

51:35 And and and kind of just having the courage to walk through those doors, you know what I mean? Because sometimes it's scary, right? Once again, it's it's the unknown. This is all it was all new to me still, right? And um, yeah, man, like where I'm where I'm at now, dude, it's just like, you know, I work with this amazing organization, End Overdose. Uh it's a nonprofit, uh, it's uh federally recognized, nationally organized, rec uh nonprofit organization.

52:00 Uh 80 chapters spread across the U.S. Uh we got we got vast like uh And that's grown exponentially has 80 has we went from like Yeah we went from our first chapter was UCLA uh and then we had a couple chapters come up after that UCR Irvine and then eventually like that forged to 80 chapters spread across the U.S. right that's amazing. Yeah, and it's just been able to grow, man.

52:23 I mean, up to date, we've trained over 700,000 individuals, and the goal is 1,000. The goal is 1,000 individuals. Train them to do what? So we host an opioid overdose prevention and response training. So in that training, we cover like signs and symptoms of an opioid overdose, steps to take, how to administer intranase and naloxone to continue to care. Uh so like right now, uh, anybody could take the training from the comfort of their home, right?

52:48 Uh, if you go to www.endoverdose.net, uh, we have our overdose training 2.0. Anybody could take the training anywhere. You take it from the comfort of your home. Take the training for around 20 minutes. Uh, we'll also mail you naloxone right to your door. We have a mail order system. Um, we also have a couple other trainings too, like an OUD prevention training. It's free of charge. It's free of charge.

53:09 Right. It's free of charge. Uh OUD prevention key keys uh keynotes too. So it's like early signs of the opiate epidemic, you know what I mean? Um, also too, like early signs to kind of look for anti-stigma videos to hold those conversations with individuals. Yeah. Uh, we also have like a virtual video game on our website. It's called Narcats World. It's an interactive video game. It's really cool, it's really awesome for like the younger crowd.

53:31 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And we do, you know, we do like, you know, nationwide partnerships with like bars, nightclubs. Uh, you know, we do high schools, middle schools, public health departments, you know. We do a lot of live entertainment, you know, like Insomniac's one of our biggest partnerships for live entertainment. You know, we're at a lot of festivals, a lot of events, um, which is really cool because it's a it's a fun, engaging way to incorporate public health, right?

53:53 It's not a boring, lifeless setting. You know what I mean? It's it's lively, bro. People come through, they want to get trained, you know, and and basically all we're doing is like we're giving you the tools needed, right? If you ever find yourself in a situation, right? Like we're giving you the comfort, the confidence, right, that you could do your part to save a life. And we're also giving you the resource as well.

54:11 Because it's everywhere. It's everywhere. It's everywhere. It's everywhere. I highly recommend um what was that website again? It's at endoverdose.net. I highly recommend anybody check it out because um unfortunately, opiate epidemic is alive and it's real, and it doesn't come in the form that you may think. Um we're not just talking about needles and heroin. Um, there's countless cases of junior high school kids and high school kids taking pressed pills that they get from an unknown source and dying in the home or dying at school.

54:42 Um, you know, it's it's it's a reality that we live in, and I think it's important that not only do to kind of get away from the stigma of opioid addiction, but to educate people on what to do when somebody is faced with a problem like that or somebody overdosing, because it doesn't take much. It doesn't take much of fentanyl to trigger an overdose in an individual that has no immunities or built up um what's it called?

55:09 Like a tolerance to it. Like a tolerance to it. Yeah. Yeah, it's it's it's it's scary, you know. And I know I have teenage girls and they're both in high school and they just lost, I think, two kids last year um at school from an overdose of they thought it they were taking Xanax. You know, and it and it wasn't Xanax, it was just pressed fentanyl. AJ, I think that's gonna conclude our interview, bro.

55:36 Um I I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of the man you've become. Um I'm really pa passionate as an ex-opiate addict myself. I'm really passionate about the work that you do, and you know Luxe Recovery has your back 100%. Thank you. We've always been a big supporter of Endover Dose and and your guys' mission over there. And if there's any other projects we can work on together in the future, I think with the blog is now on our blog.

56:02 The blog is on the website.

56:03 The blog is on the website for LuxRecovery.com. Check it out. Yeah, so it's just been an honor and a privilege to have you on today. Um, you've been a great first guest. Um, so yeah, I appreciate you, bro.

56:16 Yeah, hey Frank, I just want to say thank you for everything, man. Thank you for having me down here. Thank you for the friendships, bro. Yeah, thank you for the friendship, man. I fucking love you. You've you've done some amazing things. Lux does absolutely amazing things as well, man. And um I love I love to sit here and say that you're my friend, man. And thank you.

56:34 I'm proud of you, man.

56:35 Thank you, brother. Thank you, it's an honor and privilege. Awesome. All right, everyone. So next week we will have a good friend of mine. Her name is Danielle Benjamins. Um, she's one of our admissions coordinator, and she's got she's got quite the story um from failure to triumph. She's got plenty of scars, and she's gonna come here and talk about all of them. So thank you for letting me be here and host the show.