Johanna Hernandez

0:00 Welcome everyone to the Scars and All Podcast. As always, my name is Frank. Like I promised you last week, we have an amazing guest. She's like a sister to me. Welcome to the show, Johanna. How are you?

0:10 Good and yourself. It's good to be here.

0:12 Well, that's good. That's good. Johanna's a little nervous, so we're gonna try and break the ice a little bit. It's the first time on camera in this type of setting.

0:20 Right.

0:20 Um, but yeah, just be be cool, be relaxed, it's chill, we're just having a conversation. Um so as I was saying, we talk about Scars and All, and what that means is you know, all the things that you've been through to get where you are today. And and uh I know our listeners are gonna be very curious to know your story, because I know your story.

0:38 Right.

0:39 And it's a very good story, it's a very tragic story, but it's so far to this day it has a happy ending, wouldn't you say?

0:46 Yes, absolutely. Sure does.

0:48 So you are how old?

0:50 I am 35 years old.

0:51 Thirty-five.

0:52 Thirty-five years old.

0:53 Damn, you don't look a day over thirty-four. Nice.

0:57 Nice. I've tried.

0:59 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, so you're 35 and you've been sober how long?

1:04 Uh five years and some change. September 10th was uh my five-year uh anniversary of sobriety.

1:11 Congratulations. Thank you, thank you. Congratulations. So um let's get into it. Like what what was what was it like for you growing up? I mean, where'd you grow up? Uh who raised you, these kind of things.

1:24 Oh, okay. So um I was born here in Los Angeles. I was raised in the Central Valley um. Wait, the Central Valley where in the Fresno area.

1:34 Oh, the Fresno area. Yeah. Shout out to Fresno. Okay.

1:39 Yeah, I was raised by my grandmother and my grandfather um at the age of three. I was uh put in my grandmother's and my grandfather's hands uh due to my mom uh abandoning me and my dad, and my dad not being able to fully take care of me due to work and um living his own life.

2:02 So this was his parents.

2:04 His parents, yeah.

2:05 His parents. So mom took off.

2:08 Mom took off.

2:09 She was dealing with her own stuff, I'd imagine. Um, you know, this thing called alcoholism, it's very much hereditary. Right. You know, runs in the family, runs in my family, and runs in your family.

2:20 Runs in my family too. It's it's rampant in my family.

2:26 Okay, so three years old, grandma and grandpa, Fresno area.

2:30 Fresno area.

2:31 What's the area code up there?

2:32 559. Damn 559. Yep. Yes.

2:37 559. I've never dialed that number in my life. No. No, never. Yeah, you don't want to. You don't want to. Um, okay, so three years old, grandma and grandpa, was it a healthy home?

2:48 Was it you know what? Um I was actually thinking about that on the way over here, driving over here. Um it I would say it was healthy, but it wasn't very openly loving.

3:03 Okay.

3:03 Like, you know, I knew that um I was safe there. I knew I had a roof over my head. I knew that um, you know, I can count, I could count on them, you know, for support, but for like the necessities. For the necessities, right? Um, but there was never shown love. Like I wasn't ever told that I they loved me. I was never hugged, and um I wasn't giving validation uh from them, you know.

3:33 Right.

3:33 But you know, I had what I I had, you know, everything I needed. I had clothes on my back, I was well fed. Um, but yeah, the loving and the caring and the and the um comforting was wasn't ever there.

3:47 Right. Yeah. At what point did you realize that that was unique or abnormal?

3:54 Um, so I guess I was in elementary school when I would notice that parents would take their kids to to school, and my parents wouldn't take me to school, right? Obviously. Um my grandpa would drop drop me off, and it was really embarrassing for my grandfather at that time to drop me off because he was an older gentleman and I saw all these kids with young parents, and they would kiss them and hug them and send them off to school.

4:21 And my grand my grandpa would be like, oh, here you go.

4:25 Barely stop the truck.

4:26 Yeah, barely stop the freaking truck and be like, okay, bye. See you later. You're walking home, you know, after after school. And um, that's when I started noticing my my situation was unique, you know, it was different and and it was embarrassing at the time. Yeah, you know, it was very embarrassing. And I got bullied at school because, you know, my parents never went on field trips with us.

4:48 You know, my parents were never involved. I, you know, I had older people taking care of me. And, you know, I got bullied because of that, and and it hurt.

4:58 Yeah.

4:59 It hurt.

5:00 Right. Probably creating some deep-rooted trauma.

5:03 Yeah, absolutely.

5:04 I'm different. Right.

5:06 And, you know, aside from being different because of that, I was always on the heavier side. So I got bullied for that as well. Right. And it was just it created this, this, um, this feeling in me of like I'm different. I'm not normal. I'm not the same as everyone else.

5:23 Right.

5:24 You know?

5:24 Right. So now did that create like a need to like fit in, like to the to the max, like doing whatever you could, doing the most?

5:33 So yeah. Um, funny thing is, um, I thought that by getting good grades, right, in school, by being the perfect child, you know, that's what I was doing.

5:44 Okay, so that's where that comes from for me. Yeah.

5:47 I I would I would be validated, you know. Um, perfection, you know, everything that I did, it had to be perfect. If it wasn't perfect, I felt I was I was being un unheard and unseen, unloved, and I just wanted to strive for per perfection all the time just to just to be able to be seen, or at least that's what I thought at the time, right?

6:07 Yeah.

6:07 Yeah.

6:08 That's so interesting. That that very narrow area of control that you could have you capitalized on with grades. Right? Can't control who's raising you. Like you have a say in that, neither did I, you know what I mean? And with the weight thing, it's like that's not something you can generally control either, to to to a to a degree. So I I love that. And it you're still a perfectionist to this day at 35 years old.

6:34 At 35 years old, yeah, yeah.

6:35 So interesting how these experiences in our life shape us to the individuals, and and I think what's beneficial from that, because that you use that to your benefit a lot today. Sometimes it's it's detrimental, sometimes it's a little extra. But you know, I know for myself, like there's a lot of liabilities that I had when I was young that I've been able to turn into assets today.

6:59 You know, it's just about channeling that kind of energy into the right direction. You're unique, you're different, you're heavy, but you're getting good grades. Now, do grandparents care that you're getting good grades? Um were they validating you in that in that area?

7:16 Not really. Not really. Not really.

7:17 You didn't have any report cards on the refrigerator and other things.

7:20 You know, you know what? When when I was when I was a kid, I would put my report cards on um on my nightstand. Oh, okay. Whenever I because I had got like straight A's.

7:29 Yeah.

7:30 I would put them on my nightstand, hoping that they would come in and you know, just come check my room to make sure it was clean, right? And that they would see my report cards and be like, oh, you know, let's let's let her know that she's doing really good and whatnot. And it never happened. It never happened.

7:45 Yeah.

7:45 You know, and it was just each time that, you know, I would lay them out, it was like a jab in my in my chest, like, dang, like nothing.

7:53 Yeah.

7:53 And I would I would search for that every time, you know. And as as I grew up, you know, I I seeked validation. I started seeking validation in other ways.

8:05 What kind of ways?

8:07 So um I got into a relationship um at a young age. Well, not that young. For me, it was young. I was 18. Okay.

8:14 Okay. Was that your first relationship?

8:16 That was not my first relationship.

8:18 Okay, what was your first relationship?

8:20 My first relationship was at 16.

8:22 Okay.

8:23 Um, I was in this relationship for three years.

8:26 Okay.

8:27 Um, he was a gang member.

8:29 Okay.

8:30 Um, from Fresno.

8:32 Okay.

8:32 And um, you know, I started escaping.

8:37 Was he older?

8:38 No, he was my age. Oh, he was your older. He was my age. Interesting. Yeah.

8:41 Okay.

8:42 Yeah. And um, so I started escaping from the house over the overnight, climbing out the the window of my room. I had a car at the time. Okay. So I would leave and then I'd come back in the morning and whatnot. Um, and I felt that that was true love. Right. You know, he would tell me everything I wanted to hear. He didn't care that I was on the heavier side.

9:05 Um, and it was like He made you feel whole in a sense.

9:09 Yeah. Yeah. He made me feel like, you know.

9:12 But he's also making you carry his nine millimeter.

9:15 Absolutely. Hold this and let's go and let's go for a drive. Yeah, you know, uh, unfortunately, uh he's no longer with us. Oh, it's unfortunately he's no longer with us. Um, I moved on at the age of 18. Um, I found myself in another relationship.

9:39 So was that almost I don't want to stop here, but was that first relationship kind of toxic a little bit? Your first experience with a with a man?

9:46 It was. Okay. It was toxic.

9:47 Is it abusive at all?

9:49 No, no abuse. Uh no verbal, no uh verbal, I would say a little bit. Okay. Just when he would get drunk. Okay.

9:56 But you put up with it because it was worth it.

9:58 I put up with it because uh how he made you feel in other areas.

10:02 Yeah, he made me feel loved.

10:03 He made me kill feel cared for, you know. Right. Everything I didn't have when I was growing up.

10:09 Right. Okay. So you were willing to subject yourself to that kind of treatment?

10:12 Yeah.

10:13 Because of the instances where he did make it. Like better feeling whole sometimes is better than feeling empty all the time.

10:21 A hundred percent. Yeah.

10:22 I totally understand that.

10:22 Yeah.

10:23 Okay, so 18, now you've moved on. Bigger and better.

10:27 Yeah, right?

10:28 Another relationship.

10:29 Another relationship.

10:30 Let me guess. Another gang member.

10:32 Uh yeah.

10:32 Okay. From Fresno.

10:33 Well, you know what? Uh he was no longer a gang member at this time.

10:36 Oh, he was a dropout. Oh, so you went the other way. Yeah. That's crazy, dude.

10:40 Yeah. I didn't know this at the time.

10:42 Okay.

10:42 I didn't know this at the time, right? Um, this relationship lasted nine years.

10:47 Oh shit.

10:48 Nine years.

10:48 Is this baby daddy number one?

10:50 This is not baby daddy number two.

10:51 Oh, okay.

10:52 This is uh where a lot of my trauma and my physical abuse and the domestic violence started.

10:59 Okay.

11:00 At the age of 18. Um How old was he? Twenty-nine.

11:04 Okay, so about a decade difference. Okay.

11:07 Yeah. He was twenty nine, and I had just turned 18.

11:10 Okay.

11:11 Um everything happened very rapidly, right? So um I met him, uh, we started dating, and I went over to his house one day, and you know, things led to one thing led to another, and so we ended up getting in bed together, and he had told me he was 25. Right? And I was like, okay, I'm 18, he's 25, it's not that bad. You know?

11:35 Why do you lie about four years? That's weird.

11:37 I don't know.

11:38 That's weird.

11:38 I don't know.

11:39 And um It made sense to him, I'm sure.

11:41 I guess. Well, 25 is way better than you'll you'll understand right now in a little bit why. Uh-huh. So, um, and then immediately, you know, he asked me to move in with him.

11:51 Okay.

11:52 And at this point, I was living by myself. I had my own apartment. Uh, I had a job. And, you know, when I was living by myself, I felt lonely. I I felt like, you know, I was all alone in the world, like I didn't have anyone. Um, my parents, you know, were here in LA. My grandparents were getting old. Um, my siblings, you know, my sister was in another in another state.

12:18 My brother was young. Uh, so I just felt lonely. I felt lonely and I I I was like, man, it sounds like a good idea. It sounds like a good idea to move in with this guy that um gives me pleasure, right? A guy that loves me, or I thought loved me. Um, someone who makes me feel validated, someone who's a little older than me, someone who um gives me some guidance, right?

12:42 Some wisdom.

12:43 Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought. So I moved in with him um three months after I moved in with him. I guess he couldn't keep it tucked in. And um he started beating me for no apparent reason.

12:55 Now are you head over heels for this guy at this point already?

12:58 Yeah, I was. I was because it's so crazy that um he he gave me, he showed me and gave me so much love at times, but then like the switch would flip and he was a whole other person, right? Um and he would start beating me. And then what was so sickening is he made me believe that it was my fault that he was beating me.

13:25 For sure.

13:26 Right?

13:26 Classic.

13:27 And at that point I didn't understand that. Now I look back and I'm like, okay, this is what was happening. At the time, all I was thinking was, like, how can someone who loves me beat me this bad? Like, I'm not talking about slapping me in the face or you know, punching me once. I mean like he would leave me on the ground, cracked ribs, black eye, busted lip, and and I just couldn't understand how does he switch from showing me so much love and caring for me so much and protecting me to being the one I have to be protected from.

14:02 Right.

14:03 Right?

14:04 And not only that, like you mentioned, you made it ghastly to s to the point where you thought it was your fault.

14:10 Yeah, yeah. And and and I would cry and and I would sit there and like he's the victim. Yeah. Yeah. And and I would say sorry to him for him beating me.

14:20 Yeah. Right. You hear that so much with domestic violence.

14:23 Yeah, and and it was it was crazy.

14:26 Yeah.

14:27 It was crazy. Like I and up until this day I think about it and I'm like, God, like, how can someone do that?

14:34 Right.

14:35 How can someone be like that?

14:36 Well, they don't love themselves.

14:37 Right.

14:38 You know, they hate themselves, and you know, that a lot of that anger is misdirected. And I mean, I don't I never could quite wrap my hand around putting hands on a female, but you know, for some guys it's you know, it doesn't matter.

14:50 Right.

14:51 Who the person is, who the who the punching bag is, and they'll always be a perpetrator, you know. And um, so that probably started a vicious cycle. You were with that guy for nine years. So three months in he did that.

15:05 Three months in. Three months in and uh it never stopped.

15:10 Right. And that's now were drugs and alcohol um involved at this time with him. So he would do this sober.

15:17 Sober. Wow. Sober. Sober he would do this, and um no drugs and alcohol were involved at all. Wow. You know? And um I knew that he had been to prison, right? I knew that uh well at the time I thought he was a gang member, right? Um and you know, I just I couldn't I couldn't understand the reason why he was the way he was, right? You know, um I remember he would he would beat me and then after he would beat me, I would sit there on the edge of the of the bed or against the wall, and I would like bang my head backwards because like it was so overwhelming for me, and and and the feelings of that I was feeling was too much for me to handle that I needed to inflict more pain.

16:07 So I would sit there and bang my head on the wall over and over again, like to the point where I would make holes in the walls.

16:14 Yeah. You're self-sufficient at this point, right? So you got a job, you moved in with him, you have a car. What does he have? Does he have any of those things? Well, he had a place, obviously.

16:27 He had a place, he was working.

16:28 So you guys were playing house?

16:30 We were playing house.

16:31 Did he have kids?

16:32 Uh he had a daughter. He had a daughter, yeah. He has a daughter, right?

16:36 Was uh she around or were you guys was he co-parenting or anything like that?

16:40 No, she was she was not around, and I always wondered why she wasn't around.

16:43 Well, you found out three months in, probably.

16:45 Yeah, I found out three months in uh one of the reasons why she wasn't around. Yeah later on, um, throughout the years, uh the last two years of our relationship, I found out the real reason. Which was Um He turned out to be a sex offender.

17:00 Oh wow.

17:01 Yeah.

17:02 So that's why he's no longer a gang member. Mm-hmm. Okay.

17:05 And all this started clicking um once I found out that he was a sex offender, you know, that he liked minors. And I was able to understand, you know, why at such a young age, you know, he chose me.

17:19 Right. Because you're right there on the cusps. Just turned 18.

17:23 Yeah, just had turned 18, yeah. Yeah. And um then I understood why he lied about his age.

17:29 Okay.

17:29 You know, and um so here's the thing.

17:33 So you found out, but you were with him for another two years after that.

17:35 Yeah.

17:36 Because you couldn't escape. You were in that cycle.

17:39 A cycle, yeah.

17:40 Yeah.

17:40 Yeah.

17:41 And um God, how demoralizing was that?

17:43 It was um, well, I wanted to die.

17:46 Yeah.

17:47 I wanted to die. I felt disgusted with myself. I felt like, um, how could I be in love with someone who did things to children? Right? Or how how did I not see the signs? How did I not see what was really going on? How stupid was I, right? Um The last two years is when my substance abuse started.

18:07 Okay. Yeah. So you are how old at this point?

18:12 I am, I want to say about 20, 26.

18:16 25, 26? Something like that.

18:18 Something like that, yeah.

18:19 Okay.

18:19 Um, and that's when my substance abuse started.

18:22 I with him, or you found it on your own?

18:25 So here goes another story. Okay.

18:27 That's what we're here. We're telling, we're telling our story.

18:29 So um, I try to leave him, right? Um, he found me. Um, he crashed into my car. Um, he told me, I want you to come back, blah, blah, blah, this, that, and the other. You know, you're alone, like, nobody's gonna love you how I love you. I promise I'm not gonna beat you anymore. You know, um, what happened was a long time ago, the cops were lying about what they were saying.

18:56 I'll tell you the truth. And I'm still fucked up in the head. I'm like, damn, like maybe the cops are lying. You know, maybe they are adding more onto it, you know. So I heard him out, and after I heard him out, there we go again. Back to playing house. And um so I moved back in with him. The day I moved back in with him, um he severely beat me.

19:29 He severely beat me to the point where I couldn't get out of bed for three days, right? Um and he had his uh sister-in-law at the time taking care of me, making sure that I wouldn't leave the house, uh, making sure that I didn't have a phone on me, making sure that I wouldn't leave the room. If I had to go to the restroom, she had to go with me.

19:51 And um his sister. His sister-in-law.

19:55 Oh, his sister-in-law. What a gem she was.

19:59 Yeah, well, she was she was uh she probably scared herself. She was scared hers herself of of his brother. Okay, right? Because his brother did the same thing. You know? So um I remember uh I had to go to the restroom and and I couldn't get up. I couldn't get up. Like I I was bruised, all my ribs were bruised, my face was bruised, um, I had a black eye, I had a busted lip.

20:28 Um and I I I told her, like, hey, I gotta go to the restroom. Can you help me? I I can't get up. I was like, um, do you have any pain pills? Do you have any Vicadin? Any any you know, ibuprofen, whatever you have, like I I need to be able to get up. You know, and my plan was get up, you know, try to get all my, you know, my self-situated and dip, right?

20:50 Um, not call the cops because my mentality was I don't call up the cops no matter what, right? And I just wanted to run because I was like, I am an idiot, right? For coming back. But um she didn't have anything, she didn't have no pain pills. She told me, um, I I do have something that'll take it all away. And I'm like, uh shoot it. Anything, you know, at this point, like So desperate, yeah.

21:17 Yeah, like I just want to get out of bed and be able to walk and leave. And so um she's like, Well, it's meth.

21:23 Oh. And I'm like, That's the cure all.

21:26 Right?

21:26 Yeah.

21:27 Um, it was it was meth. And I'm like, well, like, and I swore, right? I would never touch a drug in my life.

21:34 Of course you did.

21:34 I I swore up and down, I never would because you know, um, my mom, you know, she was she used to be a drug addict, and and that's what uh led to you know this abandonment and this neglect and and me feeling of like not being loved and unseen and unwanted. But um so here I go.

21:54 Now, did you have the insight to know that that's where that stems from at this time?

21:59 At that time I didn't.

22:00 Right. You just knew that mom did this and that's what kept that's what kept her away. Right. That's what took my mom away from me.

22:07 Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. So um I was like, you know, at this point, anything will do. So she goes into her room, um, and I'm watching her because she had to keep the door open to make sure I was, you know, wouldn't leave or anything, or try to move, or whatever the case was. Um, and I'm looking at her and I'm watching her, and she's getting this freaking bong, right?

22:33 You hit the bong for the first time? Yes. Oh wow. Yes.

22:36 So she's getting this bong and then skipped like a few steps.

22:40 Yeah, right. It's okay.

22:42 Uh so for the first time, you know, uh trying any substance, it was um You smoke speed out of a bong. Yeah.

22:49 So good.

22:50 It was it was it was like this big, and um so she brought it to the room and then she got a little baggie and she she poured uh she poured it in the little hole, and I'm like, what the like, what am I supposed to do, right? So and then she's she she hit the bong, and then I'm like, that's how I'm supposed to do it, right?

23:08 And then she's all yeah, I'll light it for you. So she lit it for me.

23:13 Yeah, yeah, right. I I didn't even know that at the time. Rookie, fucking amateur.

23:18 Yeah, so and then I hit the bong and um it was it was it was a rap.

23:25 Yeah, it was a rap. I'm sure that feeling was unlike anything other.

23:31 Unlike anything. Like I felt I was I was on top of the world. I was like, I gotta get this done, this done, this done, this done, I gotta run, I gotta go over here, I gotta do this. And my mind was racing a thousand miles an hour, right? But at the same time, my body couldn't move.

23:48 Right.

23:49 And I'm like, the fuck's going on with me, you know? Like what what just happened? Like, I'm I have all these ideas, right? But I can't I can't move. No execution. I'm I'm stuck.

24:01 Yeah, no execution whatsoever.

24:03 I'm stuck. Um, and then uh, and then I hit the bong again and again and again. And then before um, before O'Boy got home, you know, she put it away. Cause she was gonna get in trouble for turning me onto a substance, right? And uh so he came back um from work and um I was happy. I was happy to see him, you know. I wanted to do things, I wanted to get some frustration out, I wanted to get in bed, and you know, the feeling of of of feeling needed and wanted and loved and and you know, um that's that's that's what I got out of it at that time.

24:50 Right.

24:50 And he was like so happy to, you know, get in bed and do all these things, and he was like, Oh, you snapped out of it.

24:58 Damn, girl.

24:59 Yeah, yeah. And um, so yeah, it went it went on for another two years. The relationship.

25:07 That makes more sense.

25:08 Yeah.

25:09 The the introduction of a little assistance, yeah.

25:12 Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, and it just, you know, the drugs allow me to to escape and to feel numb and to not think about all the bullshit that that I had been through with him already, you know, and he provided uh somewhere to live, right? And I could get high in peace all day long. At this point, I wasn't working anymore. You know, and for him, even better, he didn't want me to work.

25:38 He didn't want you going nowhere.

25:39 No, he didn't want me going anywhere. Stay home, be a housewife, cook, clean. And on drugs, yeah, I'm gonna cook, clean. Everything's gonna be neat and organized, and I'm gonna be so happy when you come home because ironing this whole socks and shit. Yeah, you know?

25:56 Like, babe, my socks don't need to be ironed, but okay.

25:59 Yeah, and um uh he found out one day.

26:03 Oh, so he had no idea.

26:05 He had no idea.

26:06 Oh, what did he think? Like you just magically had an epiphany.

26:10 Yeah, yeah.

26:10 Oh my god.

26:11 He's like, oh, she loves me again. She forgot about everything, right? Right, yeah.

26:15 My dick's so good. She just lifted her up out of uh this depression.

26:20 Calling that calling that's hilarious. That's yeah, Stepful was narcissistic for sure.

26:26 Yeah.

26:27 So how wait, so how long did it take for him to find out?

26:30 Uh over a year.

26:32 Over a year.

26:33 Over a year.

26:34 I'm sorry. Homeboy was not playing with a full deck.

26:37 Yeah. For sure. Over a year.

26:39 I I mean From one day to the next, like you're a completely different person.

26:43 Yeah.

26:44 And he just chalked it up to Yeah. Oh, he snapped at it. Oh, I beat her into this person. Yeah. Like it finally worked.

26:51 Yeah.

26:52 Fucking retard.

26:53 Yeah. I beat her into submission. So about a year and a half, a year and some change, um, he found out. Yeah. And that was and that right there was a disaster.

27:07 Okay.

27:08 Um, I got beaten again. Well, he was beating me throughout, but um, I got severely beaten again. Um and this one was where I was like, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die, right? It was I was on the I remember I was on the floor and um he had a a 50-pound uh plate because he used to work out in in the living room and he had his uh his equipment right there.

27:39 Um he had a 50-pound plate over him and uh he was gonna smash my head with it, right? And I remember in those moments, I couldn't hear anything anymore at this point. Something happens to her when when I I black, I I don't hear, I can't hear. I can see everything and everything slow motion for me. And um I remember breathing, and I remember that I smiled.

28:10 I remember smiling, and I and I and I and I was like, this is gonna be my last breath. I this is this is the end for me, right? And by the grace of God, or you know, his brother walked in. His brother walked in and and um stopped him. But I I thought I was gone.

28:32 Right.

28:33 Yeah.

28:35 Wasn't your time not yet. No, not yet. God knew you had to be on this podcast in 2026. Right. Yeah.

28:44 Yeah.

28:45 So and then from there on, you know, how'd you escape that relationship?

28:52 Um I escaped it by uh him going to prison again.

28:59 And what did he go to prison for?

29:00 Um, like I said, he was a sex offender, so I guess he didn't register.

29:06 Oh.

29:07 He didn't register, right? And uh they came and um Doing a sweep or something. Something.

29:14 Yeah.

29:15 Yeah, and um they came and and he wasn't supposed to live like a mile and a half or or some odd miles away from a school from a school. And I didn't know that, right? I was like, why do we always live in the cuts?

29:26 Right.

29:26 You know?

29:26 Yeah.

29:27 Um, but at that at that time, um his uh residence was near a school. That's where we were living. And um, yeah, they came and they arrested him and and that was the end of that.

29:40 And they're like, Hallelujah.

29:41 And you know what? That's crazy as you say, oh hallelujah, because I cried.

29:45 Right.

29:46 I cried why?

29:47 Like I don't know if I Well, you were you were a battered woman, you know? You were stuck in a vicious cycle where I mean I've never been in that that situation, but from what I know from women I've talked to and stuff like that, is like it's an odd place between love and hate. Yeah. You know what I mean? And you experience like these emotions that you can't quite explain or justify because logically you shouldn't be sad that he's going.

30:21 Right.

30:21 But your perpetrator, your your you know, this guy that's just been abusing you is also a very much a reality and part of your daily daily life and a provider and all of these things, you know.

30:36 So I I'll tell you this. Um, and I realize this now. Um what I was searching for within him was uh a father figure. I was searching for guidance, love, protection, compassion, you know. Um I didn't have my dad there. Um my dad was my first heartbreak. Yeah, you know? And um so you know, I uh that's what I was searching for. And when I got into this relationship, I was young and I still wanted, you know, to be daddy's girl.

31:15 You know, I still wanted that love, that that protection, that that um male figure there, you know, and I think that's why that relationship lasted so long. Because he would give me love, protection, he would care for me, guidance, you know, or at least that's what I thought at the time. Yeah, you know, like he knew more about life than I did. Right? And I think that's why it was so hard to get away.

31:43 Yeah.

31:44 You know, aside from the domestic violence and the manipulation and so on and so forth, that was one of the big reasons.

31:51 Right. Especially if you're coming at it from a standpoint like you mentioned, is every time he does beat me, it's my fault anyways. Right?

31:58 Yeah.

31:58 So what can I do to be better or change or adapt or you know, morph into whatever I'm supposed to be for him? Because obviously every time I'm getting hit, it's something that I did wrong.

32:11 Yeah.

32:11 You know, so like a kid. Yeah, it makes it that much harder to leave, I'd imagine. Because I'm not the I'm not the one, I'm not the guilty party here.

32:21 Right.

32:21 Or he's not the guilty party here, I am I am. Right. So why am I gonna leave?

32:26 Yeah. And I I just felt like I was a child getting in trouble. And I had to do better, and I had to comply, and I had to do everything he said, and if I did, then I would be okay.

32:36 Yeah. So how long after he went to back to prison did you kind of wake up out of this fog?

32:42 Oh, super fast. Super fast with the help with the help of drugs.

32:47 Right.

32:48 Yeah.

32:48 Yeah. Um, you know, uh after I I went through being sad and and and being, you know, a little heartbroken, you know, um, I started living life. Living life on the edge. Oh, yeah, okay.

33:02 I was gonna say, what version of living life? Because I would argue that today we're living life.

33:07 Yeah, yeah.

33:07 Yeah. Out there we're kind of dying.

33:10 Right.

33:10 You know? Yeah. But your ver that version is fun for a while.

33:13 Yeah.

33:13 Yeah.

33:14 Yeah.

33:14 Um till it's not.

33:16 Until it's not.

33:17 Yeah.

33:17 And I thought that, you know, finally I was free.

33:20 Right. You know, like So you went ham, huh?

33:22 Like a child without their parents. Oh, yeah. Daddy's in prison. Yeah.

33:25 Let's go.

33:27 Yeah. So uh I started, you know, I started partying every day. The party never stopped.

33:33 Yeah.

33:34 Um, smoking meth, drinking weed, you know. And uh then I started selling it. You know?

33:45 Right. Supposedly. You got a job.

33:47 Yeah.

33:47 Yeah.

33:47 Yeah. And um I I ended up uh being pregnant.

33:55 Okay.

33:56 Um with your son. With my son. With my son. And so I have a condition, right? I have a condition. Um, and it's very unlikely for women with my condition to get pregnant, you know, or if you do, it's, you know, not very often, or you know, I have PCOS.

34:19 Okay. So, um Which is what exactly?

34:23 It's called polycystic ovarian syndrome.

34:26 Okay. Um That's where you get cis on your ovaries. Okay.

34:29 Yeah. So I was like, yeah, well, I'm not gonna have kids. I'm just gonna fuck around with whoever I want, do whatever I want, you know, run through.

34:37 Because you knew that you knew you had this already. I knew I had this already. From your gynecologist earlier earlier in life, yes. They told you it was very unlikely.

34:44 Very unlikely.

34:45 So they gave you a free pass. Yeah. You got the golden ticket.

34:47 Yeah. Yeah, I was like, all right, I'm gonna do whatever the hell I want with whoever I want. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah, yeah, bro.

34:54 Um surprise.

34:56 Yeah, surprise. I get into a fight with some dude, right? I'm I'm getting into it with some dude um over a drug debt, blah, blah, blah. He owed me 20 bucks. Like, I I had to, I was like, pay up or you know, you and I are gonna go at it, and we went at it. Um, and I got into a fight with him, and um he needed me in my stomach.

35:23 And um it hurt, but I was like, I still kept fighting, you know. And then um I ended up pulling out my shank and you know, whatever the case was, right? And then that was done and over with. That night, I um I had a fever. I had a fever and I couldn't stop shaking. And I was like, what's wrong with me? And I had I had uh one of the homegirls, she she had stayed there with me.

35:47 Um, and I was like, I'm gonna try to sleep. She goes, All right, and um she was pregnant too. Um and so the next morning I wake up, still have a fever. Um, I'm like, I told her, hey, I'm gonna get in the shower. I don't know what's wrong with me. I get in the shower, and I'm like, my stomach hurts. Like my lower stomach hurts really bad.

36:12 And um I'm in the shower and I'm like I'm scrubbing and I reach down there and I'm swollen, right? And I'm like, all right, that's not normal, you know? And then I feel something not normal coming like right in my area, and I'm like, what's going on with me? I get out of the shower, I go, I get dressed, and um I start getting really bad cramps.

36:41 Really bad cramps, and I'm like, what's going on with me? Uh one of the older homies comes in his truck, he's coming over to buy some dope, and um he looks at me, he's like, What's wrong with you? You look pale, and I'm like, I don't know. I'm like, I'm cramping, uh like I don't know, there's something down there, something's going on. He's like, Miha, are you pregnant?

37:03 I'm like, I can't get pregnant. And you know, I don't look pregnant at all. Yeah, you know, and uh, and then I I go into labor.

37:14 No shit.

37:15 I go into labor.

37:17 No shit. I go into labor, yeah.

37:19 He was trying to take everything out of his out of his truck, all his tools to be able to take me to the hospital, but the hospital's 45 minutes away. Because you're up there in the farms, yes, in the farms, fields with the chickens. Yeah.

37:35 Yeah.

37:35 The cow and then the cows and all the things.

37:38 Yes, yes. Um and so he's got 45 minutes, so that's probably like a hundred miles away.

37:43 Yeah.

37:44 Or something like that.

37:45 It's it's yeah.

37:46 It's far. It's far. Because it's different than down here.

37:48 Yeah, it's not like it right around the corner. There's yeah, no. Um, so uh he ends up calling the ambulance to come get me.

37:58 Um they did you know you were going into labor?

38:01 I didn't fucking know shit. You just know your shit's fucked up. I'm I'm I'm fucked up. I got kneed last night when I was fighting.

38:07 Right.

38:08 Um, something's not right, and I'm cramping.

38:11 Right.

38:11 That's all I know. That's all I know.

38:13 What a trip.

38:14 Yeah, that's all I freaking know. And um, so they take me in the ambulance. Um, and uh in the ambulance I had my son.

38:27 In the ambulance?

38:28 In the ambulance I had my son. Wow. Yeah.

38:31 I had my son in the ambulance and uh what was that like for you? Were you high?

38:38 I was high as shit.

38:39 Right, okay.

38:40 I was high as shit.

38:41 Yeah. And you were getting hold of the whole high the whole time because you didn't know.

38:43 Yeah, yeah.

38:44 Of course.

38:44 I was getting high, I was drinking, I was fighting, I was running them up. Yeah, you know?

38:49 And um woke up one day cramping, fucking baby. Baby, dude. Yes, I can imagine what that must have been like.

38:59 Yes.

39:00 Were you terrified?

39:02 I was terrified, I was scared. Um, I I I didn't know what to feel, I didn't know what to think, I didn't know what to do.

39:09 That is quite possibly the most drastic shift in a human's life.

39:16 Yeah, within within minutes. Within minutes. Within minutes. Um, mind you, I'm I'm in the ambulance and I'm telling the the EMT, the guy, the EMT, I'm telling him, like, there's something coming out of me.

39:28 Right. Fucking alien.

39:32 He's like, oh, you're fine. There's nothing. You're you're gonna be fine. We're gonna get to the hospital, we're gonna get you situated. I'm like, I need to push. There's something coming out of me.

39:41 Right.

39:42 And um I give it a little push, and he's turned around doing God knows what, and I feel my son slip out and he flew. And he landed.

39:54 No way.

39:54 Yes, yeah. And uh he turns around, he's like, You had a baby. I'm like, no shit, something came out of me. Wow, you know, and um I see my son for the first time.

40:09 Wow, what was that like?

40:12 It was I felt love, but I felt scared um all at once. All these emotions just I couldn't even, I couldn't even, you know, get them out. I couldn't even process them, right? And so he tells me he's gonna live for about 10 minutes. So if you have a phone on you, can I have it so I can take pictures? And I'm like, you know, yeah. So I get into my bra because that's where I had my phone, that's where I had my dope, that's where and I had my pipe on the other side.

40:48 I had my lighter too. Every I was stacked.

40:50 Right, you know? You're pagging.

40:52 Yeah, and I'm like, I'm trying to get the phone now and keep the dope in there, and I'm like, oh my gosh. So I give him the phone, he takes a few pictures, and um I keep asking him, like, he's only gonna live ten minutes, he's only gonna live ten minutes, why? Um he goes, I'll we'll explain everything when you get to the hospital. We get to the hospital, and um they immediately take him, and then like a couple minutes later, they they asked me to sign some papers so he can be airlifted to Valley Children's Hospital.

41:25 Because there was a slight chance, a slight chance that he may make it. So I signed these papers and I'm like, do whatever you can. You know, do whatever you can to keep him alive. And um they did. They did. And Miracle baby. Miracle baby.

41:45 Yeah.

41:46 I walked out of the hospital empty-handed. No um no baby with me. Um, no baby to come back and see at that hospital either. And um my rights got immediately terminated, right? Um So I left the hospital and um back I go.

42:12 Right. With a completely new I can't imagine what your frame of mind was at that point.

42:21 I just used that as uh a reason to continue using. Of course. Right? I used that as a as a reason, you know.

42:33 I now you had a real reason. Now a real real reason. Yeah.

42:37 Real traumatic event, right? Not saying that the domestic violence wasn't traumatic or my childhood, but but this was something that had just happened, you know? And um it it was real and that and that that was my story at the time, and I used that to my advantage, right?

42:55 Did anybody did you tell anybody that you had a baby? Because I I'm sure only you and the EMT knew in the ambulance. Like your homeboys and homegirls is oh I know, something's going on with her. She left in the ambulance and then Yeah, so Did you share that with anybody?

43:09 I did. You did the homeboy that picked me up, um, he was there, he was there in the waiting room. Um, he he picked me up and took me back home. And um, it was like a 45-minute drive right back home. And I was like, first thing I asked was, hey, let me get let me get some dope. And he's like, Are you sure? I'm like, am I fucking sure?

43:32 Don't you know, yeah. Don't you know what I just went through? He's like, alright, mija, but you probably shouldn't, right? And I was like, I don't give a fuck, you know? So yeah, it it went on.

43:46 Did you get any updates on your son or anything like that that he survived?

43:51 I did. Okay, but I couldn't keep I couldn't keep a phone. I couldn't keep a number. So um every time I would I would get a hold of Phone, I would call the hospital and ask for him. And sometimes I would I would get through, sometimes I wouldn't. But um when I did have a phone number for some time, um they would call me and tell me, Your son stopped breathing.

44:16 And we had to do XYZ. And um or your son was born blind. This is what we're doing. You know, your son has a hernia and we're gonna have to operate. Um and I went to go visit, he was in the hospital three and a half months in the NICU. And I went to go visit him once.

44:39 Yeah.

44:40 It's a miracle you made it that one time.

44:42 Yeah.

44:43 Yeah.

44:43 It is. I I almost did it.

44:46 Right.

44:46 But um my mom picked picked me up, she picked me up, and uh she took me to go see him.

44:52 Cause at this point in time, she's put her life together, right?

44:56 At this yes. Yeah. Yeah, she she had uh achieved uh quite a bit of time of sobriety. And um and yeah, so she took me to go see him. And I couldn't even I couldn't even I was fidgety when I was there. I I couldn't be there for long. He was uh he was born at a pound and six ounces. He was born at twenty two weeks, and so when I went to go see him, he was very see-through still.

45:25 He was small, tiny, um, to the point where they they told me that, you know, like be careful when when holding him or touching him.

45:35 And uh but I was itching for drugs, you know, so I didn't want to be there to escape this reality because this is too painful, too painful, and it hurt too much.

45:46 Yeah, it was too overwhelming.

45:48 Yeah, yeah. Take a beating anytime over that.

45:52 Oh pff. Yeah, more than one.

45:53 Yeah, for sure.

45:54 Yeah.

45:56 Wow. But I I will report that that son is happy and healthy today. Yes, he is.

46:04 He is. He's seven years old. He plays sports, he plays soccer, he's a firecracker. Yeah, yeah, he is.

46:11 For sure. Yeah, but um I don't want to leave the listeners hanging, you know. Like, what happened?

46:15 No, he's he's healthy, you know, and and and I just I love him so much.

46:20 Right.

46:20 Yeah.

46:21 Okay, so wow, that is a deep scar right there. Yeah, for sure. Okay, what happens now? So you go back to doing the the only thing you know how to do, which is Yeah, go back to, you know. Bury your head in the sand, essentially.

46:36 Mm-hmm. Yeah. I go back to the lifestyle, I go back to doing what I was doing, and you know, I go on a run for, you know, another couple a couple years. What was it? Uh two years. Two years. And throughout these two years, um, gosh, I did so much. You know, I was incarcerated. I I ended up uh in jail um for some some severe charges, you know, and um I was very fortunate, you know, that I that I was able to get out of that situation.

47:13 Um I two years out there feels like ten.

47:18 Bro.

47:19 I I mean I don't know if we can explain it. Anybody doesn't know like what that's like.

47:23 It's yeah, it definitely feels like a decade.

47:26 Oh, so long.

47:27 You do so much.

47:28 Yeah, now that I'm so far removed from it, I think about those times like, oh man, that was such a long time. And then but you break it down, it's like literally only three months of my life. It's like, dude, that felt like forever. Yeah, yeah. I felt like I was living there in that place, doing what I was doing forever. It's like, no, dude, it was like 90 days at least.

47:46 It's like, what the fuck?

47:48 Yeah. Yeah.

47:49 So two years, then what?

47:52 And then uh I got pregnant again.

47:56 But you knew this time.

47:57 I knew this time.

47:58 Okay.

47:58 I knew this time. I found out when I was about two months pregnant.

48:02 Okay. So right around the time you find out. Yeah. Eight weeks or so.

48:06 Yeah. Um, so me and uh me and uh baby daddy.

48:14 Number two.

48:15 Number two. Um, we were act in actually in a relationship.

48:18 Wait, I'm gonna back you up. I'm gonna back you up real quick. So how did you figure out who baby daddy number one was?

48:23 Uh DNA test.

48:25 Oh, DNA test. DNA test.

48:27 While we were both in jail.

48:28 How many candidates did you have lined up? Like two or three? Four? Four? Four. Four. Four of them.

48:35 I bet those are some awkward phone calls. Did you make a day of it? Did you take them all out the in and out after it?

48:40 No.

48:43 Like, here, you're gonna smoke a bowl of dope and I'm gonna tell you something.

48:46 I'm gonna need to swab your cheek.

48:48 And he's like, okay, this is Miguel, this is Brett, this is Mike, and this is Jose. Write their names, fingerprint on the envelope. Yeah, no, there was so good. Four. I love it.

49:01 Yeah, four candidates. Yeah, yeah.

49:03 Did you leave anyone out?

49:05 I didn't.

49:05 No, okay. No. That's not bad. Four's not bad.

49:08 Four's not bad. I was rotating it up.

49:10 Yeah, that's good. You had a good schedule going on. You had a good roster. So okay, I'm gonna ask you this. Now, were there one of the four that you wished it was that it wasn't? Or were they all like, fuck it, whoever it is. They were all they're all dogs, yeah. They're all dirtbags. Okay.

49:27 Every single one of them.

49:28 Fuck it, yeah. You know, sometimes like, well, this dude actually got sober. I'm hoping he's the dad. That'd be cool. No. None of that, none of that was happening? No. Okay.

49:36 No, no.

49:37 Checks out. Yeah.

49:40 So, um, so yeah, that was that. And then um with my daughter, I was actually in the relationship with this guy.

49:47 Okay.

49:48 Um, not the best of relationships, but um uh the tables had turned.

49:55 Ah, uh-huh. I like your little smirk you got right there. My turn, bitch. Yep. Exactly. So you became the abuser?

50:05 I became the abuser and I became the dominant one.

50:07 Right.

50:08 Yeah.

50:08 Because you were never gonna be a victim again.

50:10 Never again. I swore up and down that that was the last time. Yeah.

50:15 Interesting that that's very much your personality still today.

50:19 Mm-hmm.

50:20 Right. Yeah. Which I think suits you well and serves you well when you channel it correctly. Yeah. I just want to say that. So, because you're very um you have a lot of conviction and you are very assured of yourself and confident. So I think as fucked up as that is, as that was that you went through, I think it created a person or individual that not only I'm proud of, but you can be proud of, and it serves you very well in your everyday life today.

50:49 Yeah, absolutely.

50:50 But it took some deep scars to get there.

50:52 Deep scars.

50:53 Yeah, yeah, for sure.

50:54 Yeah, those scars have have made me. You're no person.

50:57 You're no slouch, you're no docile little bitch, dude. Let me tell you. Yeah.

51:02 Yeah, right?

51:03 Okay, so the tables have turned.

51:05 The tables have turned.

51:06 So he's a little bitch.

51:08 He's a little bitch, yep. Yeah, yeah. And um, it's it's everything I say. Everything I say, and everything I I want goes.

51:18 Right.

51:19 Um, and at this point, I was deep in my addiction, right? And uh he was a little bit younger than me. A little bit younger than me. Um, so I get pregnant and uh I tell him we're gonna stop using, right? And he's like, okay.

51:40 Yes, ma'am.

51:41 Yes, yes, ma'am. Yeah. You know, and um he's like, uh, so we're gonna smoke weed? And I'm like, you know what? That sounds like a good idea. Instead of dope and drinking, you know, let's smoke some weed. Right? So we tried that. That didn't work.

51:58 Well, yeah, because you're weird on weed, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

52:06 So uh like super paranoid and shit?

52:10 Yeah, super paranoid. Yeah, yeah. Like I get more. Meth all day. Weed, fuck no. They're coming in the they're coming into the window.

52:16 The freaking the curtains are dancing, and there's freaking little green monsters flying out of the freaking walls. No weed for you. Yeah, no weed for me.

52:23 You're not fun to get high around that magic, no.

52:25 Um, so yeah, and we tried that. That that no was wasn't flying. Um, he he ends up getting arrested. He had a warrant out. He gets arrested, and I'm pregnant. So at this point, I call my mom. I call my mom and I I'm like, hi.

52:47 Um so interesting. So you call mom. Why? Are you asking for help?

52:53 I'm asking for help.

52:54 Okay, so are you coming to are you having enough like wherewithal to realize that you can't do this? Is that why you reach out? Or are you just looking for a for a free ride?

53:07 I'm looking for a free ride.

53:08 Okay, so but there is a is there a part of you that you really is starting to realize that okay, my alcoholism or whatever this is is becoming a problem.

53:16 Right. So it was, you know, it was for a free ride, but at this point I was like, this is my second child. Um, I have to I have to do something different, you know, if I want to keep this child, right? But do I still want to continue to get high? Yeah, I do.

53:33 Right, because you haven't figured out that you can't not yet.

53:37 Yeah, okay. Um, so I reach out to her and uh of course she comes to my rescue.

53:44 Of course.

53:45 Right?

53:46 You knew exactly what to say to her.

53:47 I knew exactly what to say. I'm hungry. Oh, by the way, I'm pregnant. I haven't showered in a few days. I have nowhere to live. I'm around a bunch of tweakers. Um I don't feel safe.

54:01 I wanna stop.

54:02 I wanna stop. Keyword. I need help.

54:05 Yeah, oh yeah.

54:06 All the good stuff.

54:07 Zinger. I need help.

54:09 I need help. She's like, I'm on my way.

54:12 Send me the address.

54:13 Three and a half hours.

54:14 Yeah, she jumped right in the car with her chanclas and everything. Yeah.

54:18 Yeah. Bathrobe, probably. Well, or and and her sponsor.

54:22 Oh, okay. With Sandy? Yeah. Okay.

54:24 And her sponsor. And um she gets she gets down there or up there.

54:31 And um looked through all the fields and found you in a house. In a house? With a chicken coop. Not not that yet. Okay.

54:40 Um, so uh, yeah, and I get in the car and and I put all my stuff in the car, and um she starts crying. She starts crying when we get in the car. And she starts telling me all these great things that that are gonna happen, and you know, there's a solution, and you know, all I have to do is stay sober, and you know, this is gonna happen, and this is gonna happen, and we're gonna do this for you, and we're gonna do that.

55:05 And all I'm thinking about is I wanna go sleep on a bed, I want to shower, I don't wanna hear shit. You know, I just I just wanna be fed, you know. Yeah.

55:17 Yeah. Whatever, lady.

55:18 Yeah, like I don't want I don't wanna fucking hear you. It worked whatever fucking worked for you is isn't gonna work for me.

55:24 Yeah.

55:24 Because we're not the same. Right? We're not the same. But you are though. Yeah.

55:29 Yeah.

55:30 Same footsteps. Interesting. Yeah.

55:33 Okay.

55:34 So I stayed sober for three months. Baby daddy gets out, we go pick him up. Um, and shortly after we're high again. And on the streets of LA.

55:50 Little different.

55:51 During COVID. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And uh he doesn't know how to do shit, right?

56:00 Of course not. He doesn't know how to do shit. You got the pants on.

56:02 He doesn't even know how to go ask someone, hey, you got some dope?

56:06 Right. Well, you've been wearing the pants the whole time.

56:08 What do you expect?

56:10 What do you expect you've beaten this dude into a doesn't even what doesn't resemble a man?

56:16 Yeah.

56:16 You can't expect him to now all of a sudden produce.

56:19 Yeah, right. So here I am, uh seven months pregnant. And I'm I'm in Pasadena Um by Food for Less. And Offa Lake. Off a lake. And um I had to scope these, these, this crowd out, right? I had to scope them out a while, a while back when I was to pass pass by with mom and dad.

56:40 Of course.

56:41 And I knew they had dope, bro. I knew they had dope. And I told him, hey, go ask them if they have some dope. Time we got 20. And he's all like, who? What were like, what do I do I say math? Do I say ice? Do I say crystal? Do I say dope? What do I say? And I'm like, stay in the fucking car. So I I'm pregnant, pregnant as fuck, and I go and I hit this fool up and I'm like, hey, da da da.

57:05 And he's all like, yeah, I got you. And so that happened, and there I go, off and running again. But now pregnant.

57:13 Yeah.

57:14 Again. You know?

57:16 So feeling probably pretty bad about yourself.

57:19 So bad.

57:20 Yeah.

57:20 Like, here I go again.

57:24 Was your mom's words ringing in your head as you were doing any of this?

57:29 Um, yes and no. Because I I I would easily dismiss. Yeah. Yeah. I'd be like, fuck what she says. Yeah. I don't give a fuck. You know?

57:37 Yeah, here I am. Yeah. At Food for Less. Yeah. Pregnant, getting high. Yep. That bitch don't know what she's talking about. Yeah. So crazy how that her mind is, huh?

57:47 Right, right. So I end up.

57:50 Because you're homeless now, right?

57:52 No, I end up taking the dope back to her pad.

57:54 Oh.

57:55 I end up taking the dope back to her pad. I was getting high there for a little bit.

57:59 That's a mistake.

58:01 Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. Um. Yeah. She finds out because she's not a dumbass ready.

58:12 She's a freaking. She knows he gets fucked.

58:14 She's like, Yes. She's in a bloodhound. I'm trying to light the like turn on the torch under the pillow and then take it out. And you know, like her room's next door to mine, and I'm gonna go.

58:26 You gotta be McGyver just to get high. What a fucking existence.

58:31 So uh she ends up kicking me out.

58:34 Of course.

58:35 But it's her fault, not mine.

58:37 Oh, right.

58:38 Right? Yeah. It's her fault, not mine.

58:40 Still is, still is her fault.

58:43 And uh that was my mentality. Like it's her fault, it's not mine. I didn't do nothing wrong. I'm not disrespecting her. But I was, right? Um, I wanted to square up with her at seven months pregnant. I bet. And she's like, this little bitch thinks she could just and I'm like, fuck you, da da da da, I'm out of here. She's like, get the fuck out. And that's what I did.

59:06 And you know, I told her some very hurtful things.

59:08 Yeah.

59:09 You know?

59:10 Well, I mean, how much trauma did you have as a result of that relationship? Right, a lot of or lack thereof.

59:18 A lot.

59:19 You know?

59:19 A lot.

59:20 So you finally had a platform.

59:22 Yeah. And um yeah, bro, like uh I didn't like my mom. I didn't like her at all. I couldn't stand her being around me. I couldn't stand her hugging me. I couldn't stand her breathing the same air as me. But yet I submerged myself into her household. Right? Um when I when she kicked me out, um, I went back to the Fresno area. Or should I say, we went back to the Fresno area.

59:57 Um seven months pregnant, I'm using dope, I'm drinking, I'm hitting licks, getting into fights, um homeless, breaking into hotel rooms just to shower, just to charge my phone, you know, to sleep a couple hours, or to just get high in peace. You know?

1:00:22 Um not seeing anything wrong with it.

1:00:24 Not seeing anything wrong with it. I mean, I was doing the best I could with what I had, right? Or that that's what my mentality was. And um that was my solution. Um so we're at a hotel, me and baby daddy, and uh at at this point I know what it is going into labor, right? Because the first time I didn't. Um and I told him, it's a time, we're getting high as shit, you know.

1:00:58 Um, we had broken into this hotel room, and uh we had a car. And uh so we go to the hospital, and by the time we get to the hospital, I'm fully dilated, and uh I end up having my daughter. And um when she was born, we all tested positive for COVID. So they let us stay there for seven days, you know, in the room isolated, and uh once again I walked out of the hospital without my my child.

1:01:37 And that that was a heartbreak, you know, because I actually got to hold her for seven days. I actually got to have her in my arms and her watch her sleep and uh, you know, have that mom and daughter time name her even? Yeah, name her because my son, he was he was baby for the first, you know, month or so. And um it was heartbreaking. But here I go again.

1:02:13 Like no matter what I did, you know, or or what happened or what blessing came, I couldn't stop using at this point. And I really didn't want to. I was scared, I was scared of the feelings and the emotions that were gonna come once once the drugs were gone.

1:02:35 Of course.

1:02:37 Yeah. So uh thankfully my daughter uh went to the same home as my son. The same person that adopted her that adopted my son. Yeah.

1:02:50 That's amazing. Yeah. It's very lucky.

1:02:52 Very, very lucky.

1:02:55 So then things get interesting, right?

1:02:58 Things get real interesting.

1:02:59 Not that they they haven't been interesting up to this point because they've been really interesting, but I think this is kind of the getting into the turning point for you, right?

1:03:06 Yeah. So I went four months, and these four months uh felt like an eternity. These four months, I wild, I was the wildest, you know, doing everything and anything, right? Getting so high that being high felt normal. It wasn't a high anymore. Um and I tried, I committed every crime that I possibly could to be able to get locked up at this point. Well, I remember one day I was uh I came out of a Momo uh and I sat on the sidewalk just waiting for a cop to come by and arrest my crazy ass because I was tired, I was done, I was, you know, I felt defeated, I felt devastated, I felt like I just wanted it's either, you know, do something with me, because I can't do anything for myself anymore, you know?

1:04:06 And not one freaking cop came by that night, you know, and um so I finally end up getting arrested after um 18 felonies I got charged with. And um I got arrested.

1:04:28 What were a few of those? Top three.

1:04:31 Um so uh I had high speed chase times three. I had residential burglary, times like four, I had um commercial burglary, um, and I already had a strike.

1:04:50 Okay.

1:04:51 I already had a strike.

1:04:53 You know, so you're batting a thousand.

1:04:55 Yeah.

1:04:56 Um so they've been looking for you for a while.

1:04:59 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. They've been they've been looking for me and whatnot. So um and it's crazy because I'll tell you the story. Uh probably already know it. But um, so one of the high speed chases, it was crazy. Like, so a week and a half prior to getting arrested, I went on this high-speed chase, and um so I was leaving one town trying to get to the next town.

1:05:28 I had a gas tank, uh, like a like a little gas tank in the backseat. I had Chinese food that I had that I had boosted from a Chinese restaurant in the backseat. And I had a bunch of uh Jordan and Nike outfits in the trunk. Um, I had a bunch of IDs, I had uh money, I had kinds of crap, you know? And so I leave this hotel um from this one town and I go into the next.

1:06:00 To get to the next town, so it's like a straight shot to the next town, and um a cop gets in back of me, turns the sirens on, and I'm like, damn, should I stop? Should I stop? Should I go? Should I stop? Should I go? I'm like, all right, I have a great plan. So so I I come to a stop. As soon as he opens his car door, I take off flying.

1:06:28 I'm going like 120. Um, flying down the freaking and and down this road. It's like a 55 mile an hour. So I'm flying down this road and I'm gonna get away, or at least I thought I was gonna get away, right? At that at that moment. And the frickin' car runs out of gas, bro. But I have gas in the back seat. Okay, right. Yeah. But how am I gonna put that gas into the gas tank driving while I'm being chased by a cop?

1:06:57 You can't just call timeout.

1:06:58 Right, right, right. It's not a game, you know. We're not paused. You know, so I have everything, but I don't have it where it's supposed to be.

1:07:07 Right, yeah, nothing's in the right place. Right. Yeah, the gas is outside the car. Fuck.

1:07:12 I'm like, fuck. So the the car starts jerking, you know, and I'm like, fuck. So I start slowing down. So I come to a to an intersection and I'm like, and there's a house, and I'm like, damn, I'm just gonna turn. Fuck it. So I turn and I do a bunch of donuts in the field.

1:07:33 Okay.

1:07:33 Right? And there's Why? Well, I turned and I did a bunch of donuts because I'm like, okay, like it's gonna create a big old dust cloud.

1:07:41 What are you wily coyote, dude? I'm just gonna create an old tornado and disappear into the mist.

1:07:51 Yeah, that's like you know what? You know what? I'm gonna tell you something. That shit worked. No shit. It worked. That's awful. I had I had cops coming from every direction. It's this um this uh this this orchard of uh this this orchard of uh almonds, right? Okay, and so I'm running, and they don't know where the hell I went because it's dark, and on top of that, I created a big old, you know, dust cloud.

1:08:17 And um, they probably thought that I was still in the car. So I'm running for my life. I freaking piss myself. I freaking, I'm just going. I didn't think I could run that fast, you know? Like, and so I'm like, fuck, should I climb a tree? You know, I'm like, I don't know what to do. Should I climb a tree? Should I keep going? I kept going.

1:08:35 I hit it, uh, I hit an abandoned chicken barn. And I'm like, fuck, like, you know, where am I gonna hide? So there was a like a like a hole, right? But it wasn't like a deep hole. So I start digging the fucking hole. I start digging it deeper. So I I put I put my hood on, I get into the hole, and then I start covering myself with chicken shit.

1:08:56 No way.

1:08:57 Yes, bro. I and then um so I cover myself with chicken shit, and then um only in Fresno, dude.

1:09:05 Right, nobody else has that story that's from LA. Like you can't tell that story than be from here.

1:09:11 Right, right, right. And so I cover myself and and I'm I'm peeking, right? Just enough to be able to see what's going on. They have a chopper, I can hear the the canines, there's a bunch, I see a bunch of live.

1:09:25 So whose car is it? Is it registered to you that you left in the dust cloud?

1:09:29 No.

1:09:30 Okay.

1:09:30 So I'll get into that right now as well. So um, so I fall asleep of all the adrenaline and everything that's going on. I freaking knock out.

1:09:41 You overamped.

1:09:43 Yeah.

1:09:43 Yeah.

1:09:43 And I I I wake back up. I don't know what time it is. I don't know what's because I tossed my phone out in the field because I thought they were tracking me, you know?

1:09:50 Of course. Yeah.

1:09:51 Yeah. The only thing that stayed on me was was my dope and and my pipe.

1:09:55 Perfect.

1:09:56 You know, but I didn't have a lighter.

1:09:57 Uh-huh.

1:09:57 Because that was in the car.

1:09:58 Damn it. Yeah. Again, nothing's in the right place.

1:10:02 So um I wake up and I I look and I still see, you know, I still see a few a few lights. So I just I just sit there. I end up falling asleep again. And it's it's like nighttime, right? So then um it starts getting foggy because it gets real foggy out there during the winter. It gets foggy and then I wake up again and I I hear the cops.

1:10:26 I hear their um walkie-talkies. Their walkie-talkies, I hear the dogs, and I'm like, fuck. I thought they were gonna step on me, right? Um, and I'm just sitting there like, oh my gosh, like I'm fucked. Um I didn't get caught.

1:10:41 That's crazy.

1:10:42 I didn't get caught, right? I I didn't. Um I got out of the I got out of the the hole the next morning, and I was like, either stay in this hole or run for my life. I ran. I ran all the way up into a ditch uh that had no water, and every time a car would pass by, I'd lean. You know, just just so nobody would see me.

1:11:06 Um but yeah, I got away. I got away, and that car ended up being uh this girl's car that I knew from high school. She was a senior, I was a freshman, we were friends, uh it ended up being her car, and I didn't know that until after.

1:11:28 And you had stolen it. It was a G-RAD. Oh wow. Yeah. Okay. But it didn't trace back to you. But you did you have anything with your name on it in there?

1:11:37 I did. I had my personal ID in there.

1:11:40 Oh, you left your ID in there.

1:11:42 I left all the IDs in there.

1:11:44 Fucking winning.

1:11:45 Yeah.

1:11:46 Idiot.

1:11:46 Yeah. Yeah. Like, but I took the pipe and the dope though.

1:11:49 Yeah. Fuck, dude.

1:11:52 Yeah.

1:11:52 Yeah, yeah.

1:11:53 That's uh so so yeah.

1:11:55 But um So when you got arrested, was that was that on the okay.

1:12:00 I was the main suspect.

1:12:01 Uh-huh.

1:12:02 Yeah.

1:12:02 Yeah.

1:12:03 But I um they gave me a deal. Um, first time I went to court, uh, they uh they gave me a deal, right? They say never take the first, never take the second, always take the third. First one was uh 15 of life.

1:12:18 Yeah, all those burglaries and shit. You don't play with burglaries anymore.

1:12:21 Yeah.

1:12:22 They call it a wobbler, the residentials. Yeah.

1:12:25 So 15 of life, I was like, nope, not taking that. The second, the second because you already had a strike, right?

1:12:32 I had a strike. Yeah, okay. That's what they're trying to fuck you.

1:12:34 Yeah, I had a I had a strike. Uh so the second time I went to court, uh, they said eight years. I was like, that sounds good, but not good enough.

1:12:46 Yeah. It's a lot better than 15 to life.

1:12:48 Yeah. And and I was like, should I take it? Should I not? I was like, nah.

1:12:52 Can I get four with half?

1:12:53 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the the next time, uh the the third time I tried a counter offer, right? Um, I was like, I'll do a program. I'll do a program as long as you want me to do it. Um, probation, pro, whatever, probation, you know, whatever you want me to do. Um it was a negative. Right? Uh it was a no. So they told me um six years.

1:13:24 Six years, uh 85%.

1:13:27 Okay.

1:13:28 And I was like, where do I sign?

1:13:31 Yeah. Because 85 goes to 80, so you can do four. Four and some change. Yeah. Yeah.

1:13:36 So I signed.

1:13:38 And uh Did they give you another strike too? Yeah. Yeah. Second striker. Yeah.

1:13:42 Two striker now.

1:13:44 Yeah.

1:13:45 So I Two Strike Club. Yeah. Yeah.

1:13:48 Yeah.

1:13:49 And uh I uh while I'm waiting for for the chain to pick me up, I um I end up getting into it, you know, in county because uh I'm the biggest baddest one there and nobody could tell me what to do.

1:14:04 Yeah, don't you know I buried myself in chicken shit, dude? I don't give a fuck.

1:14:09 Yeah, don't you know how much my bail was? Yeah.

1:14:14 So did you catch an ad charger?

1:14:16 Uh I was very fortunate that I didn't.

1:14:18 Okay, got lucky.

1:14:19 And uh it was a few times I I got into it with a few girls, and you know, I was I was the one getting commissary because mom and pops were, you know, sending me commissary every week, uh more than enough, you know. And um, and yeah, I was balling. I was balling in there, and I thought I was the shit, you know.

1:14:41 Alright, so that's a lot of tragedy. That's a lot of trauma um leading up to this. So now obviously you're going to Chow Chilla for the first time.

1:14:53 Yep.

1:14:54 And I know, because I know you that somewhere along the way something changed a little bit, right? Um can you explain that what that process was like in there and um what started to take place and what kind of led you to have a different thought process or start thinking about maybe having a different thought process? What was that like?

1:15:20 So um when when uh so actually when when they had offered me the 15 of life, right? That's when I realized that I had fucked up. Like I'm facing all this time and I need to make a change. I need to make a change, I need to do something different, I I need to get my shit together, right? Um I did reach out to to my mom and I asked her for some uh some uh Alcoholics Anonymous books.

1:15:53 Right? Uh she sent me a big book and she sent me some literature and you know I was I was reading it, I was reading it and whatnot, but it it still didn't click, but I knew that that this might just help me, right? It might just help me. And the whole time I was in county, I was clean. I I didn't use while I was in county.

1:16:16 Um and and I dropped to my knees one day and and when I was uh single celled and I started bawling. I started crying my eyes out. And I'm not the type of person that you know cries often. Um but all I could think of was my kids. Like damn like I don't want them growing up feeling how I felt all these years, or with the same type of trauma, yeah, or with the same type of feeling that you know they're not loved or or they're they're you know not seen or without any validation, you know.

1:16:55 At this point in time, are you somewhat making a connection between you and your mom?

1:17:00 A little.

1:17:01 That there's some parallels there?

1:17:02 A little.

1:17:03 Yeah.

1:17:03 It wasn't f I wasn't fully aware yet, but I was like, damn, like she did this to me and I'm doing this.

1:17:11 I'm doing this to them.

1:17:12 I'm doing the same exact thing. That's where it starts. Something's gotta change. Yeah. Because uh I don't want them to feel like this still when as they get old, you know? Because I still felt like this as an adult. So that's that's where, you know, my mind mindset started shifting little by little. You know, little by little it started shifting. Um and then when I got to prison, you know, it became a it became a big ass party for me.

1:17:46 You know, and there I go drinking and using again. And I was like, once again, here I am. Like just because your kids aren't in your life, you haven't heard from them, you know, you haven't gotten any pictures. Um and I I at the same time though, I felt like I was stuck and everyone was progressing within their life, but I wasn't.

1:18:12 Yeah. You know, and in um I The only thing that had changed was your location.

1:18:19 Yeah.

1:18:19 That's it.

1:18:20 Yeah.

1:18:20 And that's that's the sad truth.

1:18:22 Yeah.

1:18:23 No matter where I am, where I go, I find a way to do what I need to do, to escape, to avoid, to neglect, you know.

1:18:32 And so there I am, once again, doing the same thing, just in a different setting. Right? And um I got to a point where I felt so ashamed and disgusted, and I I I felt, you know, I felt like a piece of shit person, a piece of shit mom, you know, a piece of shit daughter. Because what was I doing? What was I doing with the money that they were sending me?

1:19:02 Buying drugs, buying alcohol, you know? What what good was I doing for my kids at that time? I wasn't doing shit. You know? And I I got to a point where I cut everything cold turkey. And that was a shit show. But that's where the beginning of the rest of my days up until now started. You know? Um I got out of prison and uh I got out of prison and um I clearly remember um they took me to Danny's, right?

1:19:45 My mom and and my stepdad. And um shout out to my stepdad.

1:19:50 Shout out, Willie.

1:19:52 Um I love that man to death. Love him to death.

1:19:57 It's hard not to love that guy.

1:19:59 Right? Yeah, yeah. Um but uh I got out and I was eating breakfast. And you you know when you get out, you're like like fucking trying to hurry up and you're just uh looking everywhere, and so I'm eating and I'm like, I'm gonna make a run for it right now. Fucking I'm fed. You know, they had a vape for me already. You know, I'm about to go find some dope.

1:20:21 I'm about to take off and run for another 10 years. You know, I don't want anyone to find me. That was my thought. And I looked at the coffee and I looked at them. I looked out the window. We're we were sitting at a booth and we could see out right to the window, and I was like, damn.

1:20:40 Which one? The one on Colorado?

1:20:42 No, this one was in um in El Mani.

1:20:47 Oh, okay.

1:20:48 Because that's where I had to go to check in for the check in pro, right? Yeah.

1:20:51 Okay.

1:20:53 And I didn't even want to check in. Like, who does that?

1:20:57 Yeah.

1:20:58 Who does that? And uh I I for a split second, my mind was gone already elsewhere. My mind was already getting high. And I don't know, like it was try this out, this new thing, or go back to what I know that's gonna lead me to the all the insanity, right? So I stuck around and I tried this new thing. You know, and and up until today, I've been okay.

1:21:31 Yeah.

1:21:31 I've been okay.

1:21:33 It's so funny too, because what needs to change, I think for us, at least for me, I had to know or be convinced that that's where that road would lead. You know? Because I think for so many of us, you know, I'll speak for myself, it was like I always thought it would be different. Or I can make a change or pivot, or it wouldn't turn out the same way.

1:21:56 You know, there has to come that realization, like, okay, like I have literally tried everything to try to sustain getting loaded or partying, whatever I want to call it. I hadn't been partying in 20 years, you know. But um I had to come to that realization, like, okay, yes, if I do this, that will for sure happen. At some point, I will be back in prison, I will be dead, I will be homeless.

1:22:23 All of those things are gonna take place. You know, I had to know that in order for me to like try this other thing. You know, this thing that was unknown, this thing that was scary, this thing that, okay, these people say they love me, you know, because when I got sober, like my dad was around Narcotics Anonymous and stuff like that. These people they say they loved me, but you abandoned me, bro.

1:22:46 Right, like, and but you're telling me this is gonna work? Like, I'm I mean, I don't trust you, you know. But having to have to trust those people, and it's scary, it's so scary.

1:22:58 Because I, you know, I I wasn't trying to trust anyone.

1:23:02 No, you know, no, no one ever trust myself, right?

1:23:06 Yeah, not even myself. Yeah, no, so yeah.

1:23:10 Thank God you did.

1:23:11 Yeah, thank god I did.

1:23:12 Yeah, you know, uh I think we do so apprehensively, you know, with cautiously.

1:23:20 Yeah, cautiously trusting yeah, yeah.

1:23:22 Baby steps, yes, like yeah, yeah. And then those baby steps turns into, you know.

1:23:28 Actually walking.

1:23:29 Actually walking.

1:23:30 Yeah.

1:23:30 Yeah.

1:23:31 Actually walking.

1:23:32 Yeah, we can kind of sprint now here and there. Yeah. Full run. Yeah. Forest gump stats. So five years sober now. Um tell me what it's like for you now. What what what's your what's your day like today? What's your life like today?

1:23:50 Well, um, today I'm able to trust people.

1:23:54 That's a that's crazy.

1:23:55 I'm able to trust myself.

1:23:57 Yeah.

1:23:57 And I'm able to trust in God. You know, because uh at one point or another I questioned him on a day-to-day basis, right? You know, um, I I have my kids in my life. Yes, you know, I get to see them as often as I want, you know. I I they they don't know necessarily, it hasn't verbally been told to them that I'm their mom, but um they feel it, you know, they feel it.

1:24:26 And and I love them and they love me, and and you know, it's so natural for me to be able to show them and give them love and hug them and and and kiss on them, you know. Something that I haven't been able to do for a long time. Yeah, you know.

1:24:44 Um and I remember that what that process was like for you.

1:24:48 It was nerve-wracking, scary, and hopeless.

1:24:51 It seemed hopeless at first.

1:24:52 Hopeless.

1:24:53 I I just because you don't have any parental rights to those two kids.

1:24:56 None at all. Yeah, they're adopted out. Yeah, I have no rights at all. You know, their names have been changed, you know. And and but I'm very grateful. I'm grateful for being able to be in their life because for no reason did did this individual have to, you know, even allow me to talk to them at all whatsoever. You know, like God is good to me. Yeah, you know, I and and I've had blessing after blessing, you know, throughout these five years.

1:25:26 You know, I have an amazing sponsor.

1:25:29 Oh, right.

1:25:31 I have an amazing sponsor, right? Um, you know, that has been there guiding me every step of the way, you know, and I've been through through some unfortunate events and and I've been able to get through them, you know, but life today is is amazing. You know, my worst day today doesn't compare to my best day out there, right? Um I'm employed. I'm employed. Um I've gone to college, you know.

1:26:03 I you're in college still.

1:26:05 Yeah.

1:26:05 Yeah.

1:26:06 Yeah.

1:26:06 What are you gonna be when you grow up?

1:26:09 When I grow up, uh I'm hoping to be an LMFT.

1:26:12 Hoping? Bullshit, girl. You're gonna be a therapist.

1:26:15 Yeah.

1:26:16 Yeah, manifest that.

1:26:17 Yeah, right. Um, so yeah, and you know, life is good. Life is good, you know. I have I have um my parents in my life.

1:26:28 Um both mom and dad and stepdad.

1:26:31 Mom and dads.

1:26:33 And dads.

1:26:34 Yeah, you know, um it's my relationship. Yeah, it's beautiful. My relationships today are beautiful. You know, I've I've gained so many brothers and sisters, more brothers than sisters, right?

1:26:48 But you're working on the sisters' part. Yeah, yeah. You're collecting them. You are yeah. Um I heard you just recently had a girls' weekend.

1:26:57 Uh I did. Yeah, I did. My first time wearing a bikini. What? Yeah, yeah.

1:27:04 Holla.

1:27:06 Yeah, and it was it was great, you know. It I I was able to let my guard down and just be me. And, you know, you know, these girls don't judge me, you know, and and it's all love. And like I didn't I didn't have to keep my guard up like I used to before. And you know, it's it's a little unnatural to me, but I'm getting there.

1:27:25 Yeah.

1:27:26 You know, the more I love myself and and the more I work on myself, the the more of a woman I'm becoming.

1:27:31 For sure.

1:27:32 Yeah.

1:27:33 You know, because I know for both, and you know you can relate to relate to this, but I think our relationships with men and women were fucking tainted when we were younger. You know, my relationship with my father, you know, the the sexual abuse, you know, the mom, all this stuff. So to it's like we're relearning how to be human beings.

1:27:51 Right.

1:27:52 You know, healthy human beings that don't resort to violence to solve problems, we don't mask our fear. With violence, you know. Um, yeah, it's beautiful to watch you come from paroling. The person that paroled is not the person that's sitting here.

1:28:11 Nah, huh?

1:28:12 Nah. Not even close.

1:28:14 The person that paroled would beat the person's ass that's sitting here right now.

1:28:19 In a heartbeat. In a heartbeat.

1:28:22 So funny. Yeah, yeah. Because I'm that, I'm that too. Like I'm a square now, dude. It's so uh it's so cool. Like, you know, I I love things and I have hobbies and you know, you know, it's I don't know, it's beautiful. Um I wanted to ask you a few things. Um, so what were you most afraid of losing when you chose recovery?

1:28:46 Most afraid of losing.

1:28:48 Yeah, so when you did make that choice, what were you most afraid of losing?

1:28:55 The person I had become. The person I had built myself up to be.

1:29:00 Yeah.

1:29:01 With those walls and with all that that that grudge and and that the person that didn't let anyone tell her anything.

1:29:09 Yeah. You know the person that knew how to protect herself.

1:29:12 The one that knew how to protect herself and didn't need protecting from anyone else.

1:29:17 Yeah, that's good. Yeah. That's good. I can totally see that. Yeah. And so would you say that now that you're sober, you've been able to kind of channel her in a way and like use her? Like I don't think we actually and correct me if I'm wrong, but I still have a lot of those traits from when I was who I thought I was, you know. But the difference is I've been able to take the good and like point them in in a correct way, like in in in a do you think that's the true for you too?

1:29:50 Yeah, I think it is. So, you know, I I the thing is I'm able to protect myself, but I can also let my guard down and know when to let it down and with who to let it down, right? And I I I strive to to stay surrounded uh with people that I'm able to do that with.

1:30:10 Yeah.

1:30:10 Right? Because I don't want that hard ass, you know, person here all the time. No. I want to be able to just let loose.

1:30:18 Yeah.

1:30:18 You know, and and I'm very fortunate to have people today that I can do that around.

1:30:23 Yeah, being approachable.

1:30:24 Yeah.

1:30:24 Yeah, it's hard for people like us.

1:30:26 Yeah.

1:30:27 Yeah.

1:30:27 Yeah.

1:30:27 I've been told so many times, dude, you're just not approachable. I don't hear that so much these days. But earlier on though, yeah, like just had that resting bitch face.

1:30:36 Yeah, yeah.

1:30:37 Don't come near me. You're right. Don't even breathe. Like like like those like those uh working dogs. Like, don't pet the dog. Yeah, this is written all over my face. Like, don't come anywhere near because I bite. Yeah. I do bite. Yeah. Yeah. If I'm scared, yeah.

1:30:53 I won't let go.

1:30:54 Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

1:30:56 Um, what does Scars and All mean to you personally?

1:31:00 Scars and All means um it kind of so what I get out of it is uh my scars don't they have built me up to the person I am today, right? But they don't define what my future may look like.

1:31:15 Yeah.

1:31:16 And I'm able to walk life like that.

1:31:18 Right.

1:31:19 Yeah.

1:31:19 That's good. What part of you did you rediscover in recovery?

1:31:26 My girliness, no.

1:31:30 Yeah.

1:31:31 No, um the part that I discovered was uh, you know, that that I'm I'm an adult now and that, you know, I'm I'm able to to be me, right? Like I found I found out all these things about myself, like what I like, what I what I don't like, you know, these things, like what color I like, what what colors I like to wear, you know, like in in a so good.

1:31:58 That's so funny.

1:32:00 Because I before I'm like, you'd ask me what what's your favorite color? Blue.

1:32:04 Yeah.

1:32:05 Like, no.

1:32:06 You want to hear something funny?

1:32:07 What?

1:32:08 So I'm I'm I'm still currently like discovering things about myself too. I've I'm kind of owning up and accepting the fact that I'm not a big steak fan.

1:32:19 Huh?

1:32:20 Yeah. All my friends, all these guys, my fiance included, they want to go to these steakhouses. And I'm like, find myself like, you know what? I think I'll have the fish.

1:32:29 Yeah.

1:32:29 Or I want fucking chicken.

1:32:31 Yeah.

1:32:32 And I've always like, okay, we're all going to the steakhouse. I gotta get the biggest, baddest steak. Like, oh, what's the 23 ounce special? The fucking bone and ribeye, the tomahawk, bring it, you know, because and I'm eating it like I don't know, this isn't my thing.

1:32:45 Yeah.

1:32:45 I mean, it's good, but if you got like a nice like halibut or salmon on the menu or like a fucking bomb ass rotisserie chicken, nice. I'm always looking at that first on the menu. And for years it's been that way.

1:32:57 Wow.

1:32:58 And I'm like, you know what? I just recently just dude just recently, Karina and I were down in um Laguna Beach and it was a steakhouse. And I got the we went there twice in a row because it was at our resort. I got the chicken two nights in a row.

1:33:10 Okay. Yeah. So you like chicken.

1:33:12 I like fucking chicken.

1:33:13 Fuck it.

1:33:13 Fuck steak, dude. I'm like, I should be a spokesperson for Chick-fil-A. You know what I mean? But the with the cows eat more chicken. Yeah. That's gonna be me.

1:33:21 Isn't that funny?

1:33:22 Yeah.

1:33:23 And it's like, and it's like I have like this weird like inner struggle with that because I'm a man, right? And men eat steak.

1:33:29 Yeah.

1:33:29 Right? That that stereotype. It's like, no, man, I think I want it.

1:33:32 They really don't.

1:33:32 I think I want some like chicken breast, dude. I think I want some KFC, bro.

1:33:37 Yeah.

1:33:38 Anybody want to go to like Roos Chris? Like, do they have chicken? Like, you know. And they do. They do have chicken. They do. I haven't tried it. My daughter's eaten it. It's Kaylee's at it. I'm gonna fuck that shit up next time. It's so funny. Like you say you like colors and stuff like that. It's it's constantly discovering things about ourselves.

1:33:53 Yeah.

1:33:54 You know, and what uh and owning up to what I really like or what I and and not no longer conforming to what I think I should like based on the whose presence I'm in.

1:34:03 Right.

1:34:03 Yeah. Like, no, I want to be me.

1:34:05 Yeah, I want to be me today.

1:34:07 I want to be me. Like and uh sometimes I don't know what that looks like.

1:34:10 But we're learning.

1:34:11 We are learning.

1:34:11 We're learning.

1:34:12 We're learning. Um if someone listening is struggling out there, what would you say to them? They're struggling out there in silence and and afraid to reach out, what would you say to them?

1:34:22 I would say, uh reach out. Take that phone, take the next step next step. Um, reach out. There's hope. There's there's you know, there's help available as well. Um you know, if if I was able to get out of, you know, that so can you. You know, it's it's not easy, but it's doable. And life, life, life today is a lot better than it used to be, and it can be for you as well.

1:34:48 Yeah. Yeah, we can s kind of spare ourselves years of pain. You know. I think a long time for me too is I didn't know where to look. You know. Um, but there's resources out there, there's hotlines out there. Um there's plenty of I mean, we have the internet, Google, Chat GPT.

1:35:08 Yeah.

1:35:09 Um there's just so many resources out there, and and I think just getting over the shame and the guilt of your situation or the f how you feel about your situation and actually reaching out for help, I think is the hardest part.

1:35:21 Yeah, absolutely.

1:35:22 But honestly, it was the best thing I ever did.

1:35:24 It was it was also the best decision I ever made.

1:35:26 Yeah. Well, Johanna, amazing, amazing interview. Um, I love you. Um I love you too. You you you got real real raw. I love it. Learned some things, heard some old stories, good stuff. Um, yeah, so thank you again for coming on the show.

1:35:46 Thank you for letting me be here.

1:35:47 I really appreciate it. All right, stay tuned for next week. We have an amazing guest. Uh he's from Pennsylvania. He's gonna come out here and and talk about his trials and tribulations and the scars that he had and how it shaped him as an individual today to leave a very successful life. So stay tuned.